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The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe Physical Edition

Finally! More news from The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe

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That’s right, The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe is coming to a box near you! It’s a wonder of the computer world made real, and YOU can hold it in your own two hands.

Preorders go live in...

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Pre-order here from the 28th of March.

Preorders will run out. Resources are dwindling, and there are only so many of these we can smuggle out of the computer before it stops letting us back inside. So if you don’t want to risk missing out on this monumental piece of Stanley Parable history, make sure you get your order in before April 8th.

That's the update! See you in Email 51 in 2 days time!

That's the Stanley Parable update! Now for something unrelated!

Jessica Veronica is Crows Crows Crows’ Niece, due to a series of events we’re not going to get into right now, she’s been promised a 3 part recurring segment in our newsletter. We negotiated in some kind of reference to Stanley, aside from this we have no editorial control.

This is Part 1.




Ethan Taylor Tyler was a dork 😒. He’d been a dork ever since he was born and he’d never grown out of it. Everyone could tell he was a dork–his highschool friends, his highschool teachers, his mom… That stern looking lady over there with the museum tote bag, that stacked guy at the back of the bus with the… hair…

Anyway- Ethan Taylor Tyler was a dork 🤓. He radiates Dork. He’s aligned with the essence of dorkiness. But… he’s fine with it though. He’s got away with it so far. He goes to classes, and avoids getting into trouble with nasty bullies and plays games with people online who can’t see what a freaking dork he is in person… Mostly he tries pretty hard not to think about it……

Today though, he can’t stop thinking about it. He slipped on a muddy embankment and broke his tactically neutral stainless steel 1L flask. He needed it to drink his–special–energy drink. It was highschool exam season and he needed it.

So his mom gave him his sister’s Stanley Cup to borrow… It’s full of his special energy drink, feels enormous in his hands and he’s pretty sure everybody is staring at him about it. It’s a limited edition pink one, it’s huge and bold and everything about him is goth and small and timid. He might as well be carrying a neon sign that says “Gettin’ Dorky With It! 😊” It was a huge mistake for him to be carrying this. It makes him unavoidably noticeable. Why did this water bottle have to break!? Why was this the only other thing in the house with a lid?! Why won’t it fit in his bag!?! Why didn’t he just not bring a drink with him today…

How thirsty can he get?

All he wants is to go home and play his secret special video games with shirtless mods hidden 15 folders deep on his PC, but maybe instead he’ll have a panic attack on this crowded bus… Which is also cool and fine.

He doesn’t have to make this weird. No eye contact. Don’t fidget with the Stanley Cup and draw attention, just act really normal. He’s just a normal person riding a bus. He’s totally got this. Don’t be a target, don’t stand out Ethan… There are interesting videos on his phone and he can just take a cool, casual sip as he scrolls through them, he is totally normal and-

Now he’s choking. He’s choking on his energy drink from his Big Stanley Cup. It’s embarrassing but it’s salvageable. So long as he just muffles his-

Now he’s dropped The Stanley Cup to the floor. Now it’s bouncing down the bus, and he’s grasping after it, fumbling and making a scene like in all of his worst nightmares. Amazing. He can barely hear the sound of his own coughing over the ringing in his ears as he bashes his head on the seat in front of him.

He can’t even drink like a normal person. He might as well just lie down on this weird smelling bus seat and breathe energy juice instead of air. Why fight it? The bus can take him, and he’ll haunt it forever, making people feel slightly uncomfortable about themselves as they try not to look at him being totally embarrassing in public.


A warm, strong hand lands square between his shoulder blades, and the coughing stops with a splutter of liquid. Possibly out of surprise more than anything else, Ethan stops choking and gasps in precious air. As he blinks his eyes clear, he sees that it’s the guy with the nice hair from the back of the bus, impossibly tall, looming over him in some kind of Sport Clothes and holding two of The Cup. Both of them are massive, pink and very limited edition…

It was destiny. Ethan can’t even tell which is his.

Tall and Charming hands one back to Ethan’s numb fingers with a wink… With a wink!! Telling him something about being more careful, which Ethan can’t focus on over the sight of this huge, hunky, cute guy knocking their cups together with a grin. Before he can fumble a thank you, the guy has walked off the bus and disappeared with a confident stride into the morning crowd.

Of course, he got saved by an enormous hunk who carried his cup without any shame at all. That guy is probably impervious to embarrassment, and Ethan would have to carry it around for both of them forever. His cup was probably full of fancy water and he probably sips from it one-handed while he does push-ups, which Ethan is Definitely Not imagining right now. At least his face was already red from choking, so no one will be able to tell he’s picturing his hero of the hour in a tank top with all his shiny muscles and stuff…

Well. It’s fine. The tote bag lady has gone back to reading, nobody is looking at him so he can go back to his phone videos in peace. He takes a sip from his Stanley Cup and tastes only water…


✉️ thanks 4 reading 👀