Stanley Gets Physical! Does this all look wrong? View this message in your browser.

Stanley Gets Physical!

One more couldn't hurt... it's only The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe

Remember the good old days when the Collector’s Edition of The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe was announced? When there were 48 lazy hours until pre-orders opened and we danced carefree in the moonlight of possibility?

Well, as with all things, time has killed those days of innocence stone dead. Now we are in the harsh and unforgiving present moment in which The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe Collector’s Edition is no longer an optimistic glow on the edge of the horizon, but a harsh and unyielding fact of life, available for purchase now until stocks run out.

Pre-Order Now!

Let’s be brave and look unflinching into the cold hard reality of what physical goods we have to offer (or just watch the trailer that we linked in the last email, it would really save me a lot of HTML time).

Collector's Edition Boxed Copies!

The special cover art for our Collector’s Edition box was made by Fatih Öztürk, and depicts a player using the illegal “noclip” technique to escape the confines of Stanley’s Office. As you can see, there is nothing out in the void aside from a giant floating image of the name of the game (we had to put it somewhere)!

A Figley: A Stanley Figurine.

As the saying goes, a Stanley Figurine in the hand is worth two in the bush. Put this “Figley” in your hand and that’s pure value. Suck on that, bush.

Only 1 of these comes in the Ultimate Collector’s Edition, but there are exactly 28 possible to collect in the real The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe… so with a mere 28 Ultimate Collector’s Editions, you can 100% the game IRL.

A Bucket Manual for The Stanley Parable 2 Reassurance Bucket

If you thought the cost of shipping was unreasonable now, imagine how much it would be to include a metal bucket! So we’re passing the savings onto YOU with this Bucket Manual. Raising and training a reassurance bucket is a lot of work and responsibility, but this guide walks you through the process consequence free*.

*freedom from consequence not guaranteed.

CopyConductor 980 TX

Ever wondered how the copy machine in the office was intended to be set up and maintained? So do we! Most of this instructional cassette tape has been recorded over with 40 minutes of skits, new remixes and unheard audio content from the world of The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe!

The Soundtrack on Vinyl!

Treat your ears to The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe Soundtrack on 2 records of 12” vinyl! These smooth sounds come on 100% Recycled Black Vinyl with music by The Blake Robinson Synthetic Orchestra, Yiannis Ioannides, Christiaan Bakker, and Tom Schley. They also come with a set of “inspirational” posters.

The Button That Says The Name of The Player Playing The Game.

This one is just for YOU, [name]. You can hear your name, [name], in the game of REAL LIFE, whenever you want, wherever you want. Providing your name is “Jim”.

Pre-Order Now!

Just want a physical reminder that we finished the game, it’s out and there’ll never be another delay ever again? Then pick up the Retail Edition, featuring art cards of 3 of our discord community’s top 4 favorite TSP locations (plus one of my own). Pre-order pages in various locations will appear over the following days, keep an eye out!

If you've scrolled this far without clicking, it's pretty clear what you're here for.

Jessica Veronica is Crows Crows Crows’ Niece, due to a series of events we’re still not going to get into right now, she’s been promised a 3 part recurring segment in our newsletter. We negotiated in some kind of reference to Stanley, aside from this we have no editorial control.

This is Part 2, take it away JV!




Jason “Jace” Jay is usually really bored. The highschool he goes to is boring, that sport he plays with the ball is boring... Nothing is bad, because he’s cool and people really like him, and he’s very strong, and he’s pretty smart even if he doesn't look like it. But he’s still totally bored. The bus is usually the most boring thing of all, but yesterday the cute goth guy who always gets on the same bus as him walked in with a Pink Limited Edition Stanley Cup just like his… And Jace got to save him from loudly choking like a real life hero! 🦸 It was incredible. He had to hop it before he could really get into his groove being all charming and stuff, but that’s okay. He took the wrong cup as he left, maybe by accident… Or maybe because he’s a great big genius, and now he has an excuse to talk to the cute guy again today!! And there he is!

Jace watches him for a little while first. He doesn’t want to ambush a guy who just got on the bus… that’s like… not cool. The guy probably needs a minute to calm down, because talking to the driver always seems to make him nervous. This guy is like, a total mess for real. It’s kinda cute though, like right now, how he keeps trying to put his thumbs through his sweater sleeves, like he thinks there’s a thumb hole there. But there isn’t! So he’s just making weird little sweater nubs with his thumbs. The guy is staring at him now, and he might have been watching him for a reeeeeeally long time while he thought about what the energy juice in his Stanley cup might taste like. Jace needs to stop getting distracted and make a move!

“Uhhh” - great start - “hey bro” - saved it - “you got my cup” - perfect

Huh, maybe it was Not Perfect? The cute cup guy has gone really pale, and is making a little squeaky sound instead of saying words. He closes his eyes, which is a shame, because Jace was enjoying looking at them, and starts to tremble a little bit. This isn’t how this was supposed to be going… Maybe I’m the problem?! Jace thinks. Maybe I’m too huge?! Aw crud, maybe he thinks I’m gonna like, take his lunch money or something?! This is the freaking worst!


Ethan is having a very bad day. He can’t stop carrying the stupid big pink Stanley cup around with him, because this one isn’t his Even More than the other one isn’t his. PLUS he slept really badly dreaming about being part of a Sports Team and getting slapped on the back before walking into his wedding? And he was marrying a football? Anyway, he’s tired and embarrassed… and the hunk from yesterday got on the bus, watched him for ages, then pointed straight at him and said Ethan STOLE his CUP! So now Ethan’s having another panic attack, and he might lose his breakfast right on this gross bus floor… 🤢

“Woah dude, are you okay? You look like you might, like, throw up” Yeah, probably on you! And your expensive sneakers and weirdly clean sport-doing jacket! Is there a name for that? There’s definitely a name for that, why can’t I remember the name for that? “RIGHT, YES, JERSEY! THANKS!” Ethan screams, before blushing BRIGHT RED.

Crud, that was way too loud. And also a totally unhinged thing to say. And this jersey smells like orange juice and Sports and maybe if he’s lucky he’ll just pass out right here and wake up alone in the hospital later and be told he’s been in a coma for years and everyone’s forgotten all about the weird stuff he’s done...

Seeing Ethan Taylor Tyler’s face escalate to dangerous levels of red, Jace gently rests his large callused ball-throwing hand on Ethan’s soft boney shoulder to try and calm him down, in a “hey, I’m just a friendly guy” kind of way, but Ethan’s black holey emo sweater had slipped down his shoulder slightly in his panicked flailing about, and Jace’s not-sweaty, rough, large, strong hand very accidentally gently - but seriously accidentally - graces the skin of Ethan’s shoulder…


✉️ thanks 4 reading 👀