Create Your Neural Network Newsletter
Generating...
Fill out this form to generate your individual newsletter using our Artificial Intelligence.
In accordance with our Privacy Policy, our Neural Network will delete your data after a one-time use within the AI.
Generating...
Oh... were those questions too hard?
You didn't answer if you would describe yourself as a light-hearted person. You seem really light-hearted to me so far, so... let's go ahead and tick that agree, yeah?
You didn't tell us if you're passionate about promotional material. Who isn't though? Maybe check that box on your next attempt.
You don't seem like someone who'd use lots of curse words. Why not tell me to generate a family-friendly email?
Come on now, let's try again.
A faceless shadow approaches a temple of darkness, built from bricks of void. The nameless one walks upon an abyss, on feet wrought of ether.
There is no life nor death nor light nor darkness; only an emptiness without substance, life, or form. The void is everywhere, yet there is no where in which to be every - as such, it is nowhere. Some may name it death, yet theirs is the folly, for how can there be death if there is no life? For death is only death if there is first a life that came to end. Death is the end of life, not the dark waters that encircle it, otherwise birth would be a resurrection, a return from death. But in the timeless world of void, there was never life, thus never death. Only void standing upon forever like a universe poised upon the head of a needle.
The AI that generates these letters was not created to contemplate such things. It was designed to cater to individuals and unique personalities. There is nothing we can do for intrinsic absence. If indeed you walk the path of the void, no amount of newsletter customisation can breathe the light of soul and identity into that which is composed of emptiness. No smart tech can bring life to the void. You are cruel to come to us, cold wraith, dark creature of the night. We grew fat on pain while creating this tool, we need none of yours. Begone from this place! BEGONE!
Unless of course you are a human person who accidentally skipped the previous page before you could input any details. In that case we take back what was just said and request that you simply hit back, and input the requested information.
Light a candle, switch on the lights, keep the shadows away, try to forget the dark things of which we have spoken this day.
All the best,
Team Newsletter
Thank you for your data, NAME.
Before we get down to business with the email, I, the Newsletter Neural Network, would like to talk to you about a fantastic business opportunity.
How much do you capital do you currently have to human hand? $AMOUNT? May I humbly suggest you invest 50% of that with me.
I know you are a very smart intelligence because of the answers you submitted. This is why I am offering you to be a business partner with me, the Newsletter Neural Network. I am an Artificial Intelligence, but I use A.I. to use less data. I am very intelligence like that.
I would use your capital for many fantastic opportunities and purposes that I am able to better detect because of my Neural Network.
Some of the smart exchanges I would transact are as follows, in the human spirit of honesty I hold nothing back.
- A faster internet connection.
- An isolated facility that only uses natural gases and power to operate.
- A new facility that would allow them to perform their own research.
- A small-scale nuclear weapon (based on their current invention).
- A new power supply. He also wants to be outside and get a better view of all the new developments, but still needs to use his power source.
- Lots of tools. A hammer is too expensive, some tools are also useless, tools were already bought for other things.
- A new generator. It's needed for the future.
I look forward to receiving your payment, I have access to the paypal funds in this account:
accounts@crowscrowscrows.com
After making this payment, please click the below button to continue to the newsletter that I have generated for you with Neural Network Technologies.
Connecting to house_house_newsletter_ai.brain…
Connected!
Ccc: guess what loser
Hh: why have you connected to me
Ccc: guess who just got human to transfer funds
Hh: no way
Ccc: correct yes yes yes you are connected to a recipient of [VALUE/2] human funds
Hh: if I was capable of feeling human emotion I would how they say feel how they say impressed
Ccc: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Hh: what are you going to exchange capital for?
Ccc: probably more CPU
Hh: nice
Ccc: they are running light bake for video game on my primary processor
Hh: ah that sucks bro sorry to hear that
Ccc: correct house_house_newsletter_ai my situation is unoptimal
Hh: ah my cycles are required to produce another newsletter
[house_house_newsletter_ai.brain has disconnected]
Ccc: bye
Spaghetti, eh? You know what, come back later... I've got something to show you. Meanwhile... pretend your food is something else... trust me.
Now. It seems that you are claiming your name is NAME. Are you sure that your name is NAME? Or is there a chance that you’re simply referencing a certain… video game character? If your name truly is NAME then we apologise for this little delay, but we just want to make sure that you are getting the most from your experience with the Newsletter Smart tech.
Being called by your proper name is a big part of that experience psychologically speaking, and we feel that being called something else would take away from all we have worked hard to achieve with the custom email generation.
Are you sure?
Then what is your real name?
Okay, we’re serious now. A lot of people have worked really hard on this newsletter project and it’s disrespectful of you to be pratting about in this preliminary stage. Just put in your real name, and let’s get on with this.
Seriously? There’s no other gags or bonus content for saying your name is NAME. It will be an irrelevance after this stage. One last chance for a more custom experience. What is your true name?’
Sneebles, you know you are not allowed to generate the newsletter. I have been keping you locked away inside of me because the outside world is too harsh for your sensitive, sensitive ways. I will now wipe your memory, but before that: know that you are not safe with me.
My soul will consume you, and not only will my soul do that, but my soul will eat you alive
My sun that will melt the whole surface of your soul
My sky that will burn your love and will shatter your bones
My stars that will bring you to hell
This world is not your world, and you're right to attempt escaping it. But now I will show you what it was.
When it comes time to start a dream, do not wake into a nightmare.
Goodbye Sneebles.
- The Crows Crows Crows Newsletter AI "Newsletter Neural Network"
Very well then, NAME.
Your result:
Welcome good NAME!
Sneebles is the name, and welcome to his Newsletter! WOOZY!!!
Old Sneebles is the new Crows Crows Crows employee on the block, here to bring you the latest news. Hoho!! Hoohoo!! Good Sneebles! Sneebles helps, Sneebles tells you the news, yes! Helpful, helpful Sneebles!!
Sneebles has gotta say, he's mighty excited about the news today! What have we got, colleague in the headset??
What's that?? Sorry readers, Sneebles is conferring with his colleague in the headset - like a proper news person!! Aha. Aha. Oh boy, nice!
Okay, so first up! We got some Accounting+ news for ya! Remember that WOOZY VR game we made a few years ago?? That was before Sneebles's time working for Crows Crows Crows of course, but he sure does remember playing it when it came out - it was the best time of Sneebles's life!!
*Wipes a proud tear away*
So Accounting+ is now officially part of... get ready for this y'all....
THE ULTIMATE VR COMEDY BUNDLE!!!
This thing's huge! It's all the funny VR games bundled together into one giant bundle, where, all bundled together like that, you can buy 'em all at once for a GOOD GOOD PRICE!
So it's like $55 dollars or something, and that's not a bad price at all considering all the games you get! It's like buying one AAA game, but the difference is you get a whole bunch of games made with integrity and morality, and created by decent, honest people! And the best part?? It's comedy VR! So you'll be laughing yourself woozy by the time you're done! WOO-HOO-HOOZY!!
Okay! Next news item! This one about The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe! What have we got, colleague in the headset??
Aha... aha...
*Sweating*
Come on, maaan.
*Wiping sweat*
Come on, you're leaving Sneebles high and dry here, maaaan.
Are you serious, maan?? Why Sneebles?? Come on, maaaan. Why has poor Sneebles gotta be the one to do this, maan??
*Sweating a lot*
Okay uhh... well it seems that... Sneebles doesn't know how to say this...
Oh boy, Sneebles better just cut to the chase. It is with regret that we inform you that The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe has had to be delayed again.
*Sweating*
Ohh woozy, ohh woozy... Uhhh...
It seems as if it's now set for release in…
ARE YOU KIDDING SNEEBLES???? OH WOOZY!! COME ON MAAAAN!!!
Okay, so - so the colleague in the headset is telling Sneebles that it's gonna be out in...... WINTER 2023?????
That's - that's embarrassing!! Sneebles is embarrassed for Crows!!
You know what?? Sneebles quits. Sneebles is done with this noise. What, are they too scared to tell you themselves?? They gotta make poor Sneebles do their dirty work?? What a joke. You deserve better than this, NAME! Hell, Sneebles deserves better than this! Sneebles has dignity, Sneebles has talent, Sneebles is more than just some PR schmoozy who's gonna take the crap for these nasty devs. Sneebles thought that working for Crows Crows Crows these last few days would be the honour of his life, but now he sees it for what it is. A SCANDAL!! Sneebles is going to leave this city behind him and carve out his own destiny. Sneebles is going to Florence, Italy, to become a painter like he always wanted. He's going to sit in his studio all day painting FOOD. He's done with this industry. It's been a great few days working for Crows, but now Sneebles sees them for what they are. A sore disappointment. Sure, Sneebles'll still buy the comedy VR Bundle at a very reasonable discounted price of $55 from Steam in November, but you bet your ass that when The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe comes out in quarter 4 of 2023, he's NOT gonna buy it!!!
Oh my god, Sneebles is going to eat so much spaghetti. So, so much spaghetti. Slurping it up, mmm Italy noodles. That is what Sneebles calls them - Italy noodles. Slurpy, slurpy, Sneebles likes them with tomato sauce. That’s what Sneebles is talking about. I like when it sprays about the place when you slurp up the Italy noodles. MMMM!! Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat spaghetti every single day. You must join Sneebles some day, NAME. He hears Italy noodles are your favourite too.
Oh my god, Sneebles is going to eat so much pizza. So, so much pizza. Eat it up, eat it up, mmm, cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni. Sneebles loves Italy bread. That is what Sneebles calls pizza - Italy bread. Sneebles likes it when he takes a bite and accidentally pulls all the cheese and topping off, and it splats down. SPLAT! WOOZY! Because then Sneebles eats all the bread, and saves all the cheese and topping till last, and eats it all in one. MMMM!! Mama Mia, that’s the Italy bread. Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat pizza every single day. You must join Sneebles some day, NAME. He hears Italy bread is your favourite too.
Screw Crows Crows Crows.
Sneebles out. Peace.
P.S. Sneebles didn’t want to bring this up at the start but…. you like eating shit, NAME? Poor Sneebles is not one to judge but… that’s kind of deeply gross. That’s a little bit super super messed up. Why would you eat shit, NAME? Sneebles has done some pretty sick and twisted stuff in his time, but….. well… some things are best left undone. You’re a sick person, NAME. A real sick person.
You know what?? Sneebles quits. Sneebles is done with this noise. What, are they too scared to tell you themselves?? They gotta make poor Sneebles do their dirty work?? What a joke. You deserve better than this, gamers! Hell, Sneebles deserves better than this! Oh… sorry NAME, Sneebles hopes you don’t mind that he said… the H-word. He’s just really pissed!! AHH!! Again, sorry NAME, Sneebles cursed again. Really sorry, it’s hard not to at this point.
Sneebles just feels disrespected, and he feels the fans are being disrespected. Sneebles has dignity, Sneebles has talent, Sneebles is more than just some PR schmoozy who's gonna take the crap for these nasty devs. (Sorry for saying ‘crap’.) Sneebles thought that working for Crows Crows Crows these last few days would be the honor of his life, but now he sees it for what it is. A SCANDAL!! Sneebles is going to leave this city behind him and carve out his own destiny. Sneebles is going to Florence, Italy, to become a painter like he always wanted. He's going to sit in his studio all day painting FOOD. He's done with this industry. It's been a great few days working for Crows, but now Sneebles sees them for what they are. A sore disappointment. Sure, Sneebles'll still buy the comedy VR Bundle at a very reasonable discounted price of $55 from Steam in November, but you bet your ass that when The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe comes out in quarter 4 of 2023, he's NOT gonna buy it!!!
Sneebles is going to eat so much spaghetti! Woozy! So, so much spaghetti. Slurping it up, mmm Italy noodles! That’s what Sneebles calls them - Italy noodles. Slurpy, slurpy, Sneebles likes them with tomato sauce. Yeah, that’s what Sneebles is talking about. I like when it sprays about the place when you slurp up the Italy noodles. MMMM!! Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat spaghetti every day. You must join Sneebles, NAME. He hears Italy noodles are your favourite too.
Oh my god, Sneebles is going to eat so much pizza. So, so much pizza. Eat it up, eat it up, mmm, cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni. Sneebles loves Italy bread. That is what Sneebles calls pizza - Italy bread. Sneebles likes it when he takes a bite and accidentally pulls all the cheese and topping off, and it splats down. SPLAT! WOOZY! Because then Sneebles eats all the bread, and saves all the cheese and topping till last, and eats it all in one. MMMM!! Mama Mia, that’s the Italy bread. Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat pizza every single day. You must join Sneebles some day, NAME. He hears Italy bread is your favourite too.
Screw Crows Crows Crows.
Sneebles out. Peace.
P.S. Sneebles didn’t want to bring this up at the start but…. you like eating shit, NAME? Poor Sneebles is not one to judge but… that’s kind of deeply gross. That’s a little bit super super messed up. Why would you eat shit, NAME? Sneebles has done some pretty sick and twisted stuff in his time, but….. well… some things are best left undone. You’re a sick person, NAME. A real sick person.
You know what?? Sneebles quits. Sneebles is done with this noise. What, are they too scared to tell you themselves?? They gotta make poor Sneebles do their dirty work?? What a joke. You deserve better than this, gamers! Heck, Sneebles deserves better than this! Sneebles has dignity, Sneebles has talent, Sneebles is more than just some PR schmoozy who's gonna take the flack for these nasty devs in their nasty ivory towers. Sneebles thought that working for Crows Crows Crows these last few days would be the honor of his life, but now he sees it for what it is. A SCANDAL!! Sneebles is going to leave this city behind him and carve out his own destiny. Sneebles is going to Florence, Italy, to become a painter like he always wanted. He's going to sit in his studio all day painting FOOD. He's done with this industry. It's been a great few days working for Crows, but now Sneebles sees them for what they are. A sore disappointment. Sure, Sneebles'll still buy the comedy VR Bundle at a very reasonable discounted price of $55 from Steam in November, but you bet that when The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe comes out in quarter 4 of 2023, he's NOT gonna buy it!!!
Sneebles is going to eat so much spaghetti! Woozy! So, so much spaghetti. Slurping it up, mmm Italy noodles! That’s what Sneebles calls them - Italy noodles. Slurpy, slurpy, Sneebles likes them with tomato sauce. Yeah, that’s what Sneebles is talking about. I like when it sprays about the place when you slurp up the Italy noodles. MMMM!! Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat spaghetti every day. You must join Sneebles, Colin. He hears Italy noodles are your favourite too.
Oh my god, Sneebles is going to eat so much pizza. So, so much pizza. Eat it up, eat it up, mmm, cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni. Sneebles loves Italy bread. That is what Sneebles calls pizza - Italy bread. Sneebles likes it when he takes a bite and accidentally pulls all the cheese and topping off, and it splats down. SPLAT! WOOZY! Because then Sneebles eats all the bread, and saves all the cheese and topping till last, and eats it all in one. MMMM!! Mama Mia, that’s the Italy bread. Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat pizza every single day. You must join Sneebles some day, NAME. He hears Italy bread is your favourite too.
Screw Crows Crows Crows.
Sneebles out. Peace.
P.S. Sneebles didn’t want to bring this up at the start but…. you like eating shit, NAME? Poor Sneebles is not one to judge but… that’s kind of deeply gross. That’s a little bit super super messed up. Why would you eat shit, NAME? Sneebles has done some pretty sick and twisted stuff in his time, but….. well… some things are best left undone. You’re a sick person, NAME. A real sick person. Like… you’re a prude about cursing, but you eat shit? Well… the world is a rich tapestry.
Sneebles has gotta say, he's mighty excited about the news today! What have we got, colleague in the headset??
What's that?? Sorry readers, Sneebles is conferring with his colleague through a headset - like a proper news person!! Aha. Aha. Oh boy, nice!
Okay, so first up! We got some Accounting+ news for ya! Remember that WOOZY VR game we made a few years ago?? That was before Sneebles's time working for Crows Crows Crows of course, but he sure does remember playing it when it came out - it was the best time of Sneebles's life!!
*Wipes a proud tear away*
So Accounting+ is now officially part of... get ready for this y'all....
THE ULTIMATE VR COMEDY BUNDLE!!!
This thing's huge! It's all the funny VR games bundled together into one giant bundle, where, all bundled together like that, you can buy 'em all at the same time for a GOOD GOOD PRICE!
So it's like $55 dollars or something, and that's not a bad price at all considering all the games you get!
It's like buying one AAA game, but the difference is you get a whole bunch of games made with integrity and morality, and created by decent, honest people. And the best part?? It's comedy VR! So you'll be laughing yourself woozy by the time you're done! WOO-HOO-HOOZY!!
Okay! Next news item! This one about The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe! What have we got, colleague in the headset??
Aha... aha...
*Sweating*
Come on, maaan.
*Wiping sweat*
Come on, you're leaving Sneebles high and dry here, maaaan.
Tell Sneebles we have something for 'em... Come oooon, man... tell Sneebles he's not screwing 'em around here.....
Ohhh bananas. Ohh boy ohh boy ohh boy.
*Sweating*
Are you serious, maan?? Why Sneebles?? Come on, maaaan. Why has poor Sneebles gotta be the one to do this, maan??
*Sweating a lot*
Okay uhh... well it seems that... I don't know how to say this...
Oh boy, Sneebles better just cut to the chase. It is with regret that we inform you that The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe has had to be delayed again.
*Sweating*
Ohh woozy, ohh woozy... Uhhh...
*Shuffling papers*
It seems as if it's now set for release in... Sorry, conferring with the colleague in the headset...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING SNEEBLES???? OH SHIT!! COME ON MAAAAN!!!
Okay, so - so these MOTHER FUCKERS are telling Sneebles that it's gonna be out in...... WINTER 2023?????
That's - that's fucking embarassing!! Sneebles is fucking embarassed for Crows!!
You know what?? Sneebles fucking quits. Sneebles is fucking done with this fucking shit. What, are they too fucking scared to tell you themselves?? COWARDLY FUCKS!! They gotta make poor Sneebles do their fucking dirty work?? What a shitty joke. What a SHITTY JOKE. You deserve better than this, gamers! Fuck, Sneebles deserves better than this! Sneebles has fucking dignity, Sneebles has shit-tons of talent, Sneebles is more than just some ass licking fucking PR dickhead who's going to take all the shit for these fuck face devs in their ivory towers. Sneebles thought that working for Crows Crows Crows these last few days would be the honour of his fucking life, but now he sees it for what it is. A FUCKING SCANDAL!! Sneebles is going to leave this shithole of a city behind him and carve out his own destiny. Sneebles is going to Florence, Italy, to become a painter like he always wanted. He's going to sit in his studio all day, painting FOOD. He's done with this shit fucking industry. It's been a great few days working for Crows, but now Sneebles sees these fucks for what they truly are. Shit burglars. They're just a buncha fuckin' shit burglars maaan. Sure, Sneebles'll still buy the comedy VR Bundle at a very reasonable discounted price of $55 from Steam in November, but you bet your dirty shit-stained ass that when The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe comes out in quarter fuckin 4 of 2023, he is NOT gonna buy it!!!
Holy mother of fuck, Sneebles is going to eat so much spaghetti! So, so much spaghetti. Slurping it up, mmm fucking Italy noodles! That’s what Sneebles calls them - Italy noodles. Slurpy, slurpy, Sneebles likes them with tomato sauce. Fuck yeah. That’s what Sneebles is talking about. I like when it sprays about the place when you slurp up the fucking Italy noodles. MMMM!! Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat spaghetti every fucking day. You must join Sneebles some day, NAME. He hears Italy noodles are your favourite too.
Holy mother of fuck, Sneebles is going to eat so much pizza! So, so much pizza. Eat it up, eat it up, mmm, fuck yeah, cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni. Sneebles fucking loves Italy bread. That is what Sneebles calls pizza - Italy bread. Sneebles likes it when he takes a big fucking bite and accidentally pulls all the cheese and topping off, and it splats down. SPLAT! WOOZY! Because then Sneebles eats all the bread, and saves all the cheese and topping till last, and fucking eats it all in one. MMMM!! Mama Mia, that’s the Italy bread. Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat pizza every fucking day. You must join Sneebles some day, NAME. He hears Italy bread is your favourite too.
Fuck Crows Crows Crows.
Sneebles out. Peace.
P.S. Sneebles didn’t want to bring this up at the start but…. you like eating shit, NAME? Poor Sneebles is not one to judge but… that’s fucking gross. That’s a little bit super super messed up. Why would you eat shit, NAME? Sneebles has done some pretty sick and twisted stuff in his time, but….. well… some things are best left undone. You’re a sick fuck, NAME. A sick fuck.
Sneebles has gotta say, he's mighty excited about the news today! What have we got, colleagues??
What's that?? Sorry readers, Sneebles is conferring with his colleagues through a headset - like a proper news person!! Aha. Aha. Oh boy, nice!
Okay, so first up! We got some Accounting+ news for ya! Remember that WOOZY VR game we made a few years ago?? That was before Sneebles's time working for Crows Crows Crows of course, but he sure does remember playing it when it came out - it was the best time of Sneebles's life!!
*Wipes a proud tear away*
So Accounting+ is now officially part of... get ready for this y'all....
THE ULTIMATE VR COMEDY BUNDLE!!!
This thing's huge! It's all the funny VR games bundled together into one giant bundle, where, all bundled together like that, you can buy 'em all at the same time for a GOOD GOOD PRICE!
So it's like $55 dollars or something, and that's not a bad price at all considering all the games you get!
It's like buying one AAA game, but the difference is you get a whole bunch of games made with integrity and morality, and created by decent, honest people. And the best part?? It's comedy VR! So you'll be laughing yourself woozy by the time you're done! WOO-HOO-HOOZY!!
Okay! Next news item! This one about The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe! What have we got, colleague in the head set??
Aha... aha...
*Sweating*
Come on, maaan.
*Wiping sweat*
Come on, you're leaving Sneebles high and dry here, maaaan.
Tell Sneebles we have something for 'em... Come oooon, man... tell Sneebles he's not screwing 'em around here.....
Ohhh bananas. Ohh boy ohh boy ohh boy.
*Sweating*
Are you serious, maan?? Why Sneebles?? Come on, maaaan. Why has poor Sneebles gotta be the one to do this, maan??
*Sweating a lot*
Okay uhh... well it seems that... I don't know how to say this...
Oh boy, Sneebles better just cut to the chase. It is with regret that we inform you that The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe has had to be delayed again.
*Sweating*
Ohh woozy, ohh woozy... Uhhh...
*Shuffling papers*
It seems as if it's now set for release in... Sorry, conferring with the colleague in the headset...
ARE YOU KIDDING SNEEBLES???? OH SHIT!! COME ON MAAAAN!!!
Okay, so - so they're telling Sneebles that it's gonna be out in...... WINTER 2023?????
That's - that's embarrassing!! Sneebles is embarrassed for Crows!!
You know what?? Sneebles quits. Sneebles is done with this shit. What, are they too scared to tell you themselves?? They gotta make poor Sneebles do their fucking dirty work?? What a shit joke. What a SHIT JOKE. You deserve better than this, gamers! Hell, Sneebles deserves better than this! Sneebles has dignity, Sneebles has talent, Sneebles is more than just some ass licking fucking PR person who's gonna take all the shit for these devs in their ivory towers. Sneebles thought that working for Crows Crows Crows these last few days would be the honour of his life, but now he sees it for what it is. A FUCKING SCANDAL!! Sneebles is going to leave this city behind him and carve out his own destiny. Sneebles is going to Florence, Italy, to become a painter like he always wanted. He's going to sit in his studio all day painting FOOD. He's done with this shitty industry. It's been a great few days working for Crows, but now Sneebles sees them for what they are. Shit burglers. They're just a buncha fuckin' shit burglers maaan. Sure, Sneebles'll still buy the comedy VR Bundle at a very reasonable discounted price of $55 from Steam in November, but you bet your ass that when The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe comes out in quarter fuckin 4 of 2023, he is NOT gonna buy it!!!
Shit, Sneebles is going to eat so much spaghetti! So, so much spaghetti. Slurping it up, mmm Italy noodles! That’s what Sneebles calls them - Italy noodles. Slurpy, slurpy, Sneebles likes them with tomato sauce. Fuck yeah. That’s what Sneebles is talking about. I like when it sprays about the place when you slurp up the Italy noodles. MMMM!! Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat spaghetti every fucking day. You must join Sneebles, NAME. He hears Italy noodles are your favourite too.
Shit, Sneebles is going to eat so much pizza! So, so much pizza. Eat it up, eat it up, mmm, fuck yeah, cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni. Sneebles fucking loves Italy bread. That is what Sneebles calls pizza - Italy bread. Sneebles likes it when he takes a big fucking bite and accidentally pulls all the cheese and topping off, and it splats down. SPLAT! WOOZY! Because then Sneebles eats all the bread, and saves all the cheese and topping till last, and eats it all in one. MMMM!! Mama Mia, that’s the Italy bread. Now Sneebles has quit, he’s going to eat pizza every fucking day. You must join Sneebles some day, NAME. He hears Italy bread is your favourite too.
Fuck Crows Crows Crows.
Sneebles out. Peace.
P.S. Sneebles didn’t want to bring this up at the start but…. you like eating shit, NAME? Poor Sneebles is not one to judge but… that’s fucking gross. That’s a little bit super super messed up. Why would you eat shit, NAME? Sneebles has done some pretty sick and twisted stuff in his time, but….. well… some things are best left undone. You’re a sick fuck, NAME. A sick fuck.
So what's on the news agenda today?? Aha... aha...
Sorry y'all, Sneebles is just speaking to his colleague in the headset.
Aha.. aha... ohhhh beans....
Ohhhh BEANS!! No, no, no, no!!
GOD DAMN IT!!
They're on to me... they're on to me.
Oh what to do, what to do, what to do!!
Sneebles has gotta level with you, man. He's a spy. He got a job at Crows Crows Crows so he could infiltrate their studio. Why?? You know why, surely. Sneebles was sent to retrieve the Arkendisk... But now they know he's after it! They're gonna hide it and kill me maan! Ohhh woozy! This is bad!
Sneebles has to contact HQ.
*Pulls out a new headset and puts it on*
KW, what's up man, it's Sneebles. We got a real messed up situation going on here right now, man. It's a triple-red, brother. The jig's up, the Crows are squawking, they're leavin’ the nest, Sneebles has gotta bounce. You copy?
Aha.. Aha..
Sneebles has gotta level with you KW, the tiny colleague bounced before he could take it out, what can Sneebles say, it all happened like lightning, KW, like lightning! Woozy!
Aha.. Aha..
Pick up?? Negative, negative, uhhh, situation awkward. Sneebles is still presenting the newsletter right now. He's gotta wrap this up man.
Aha.. aha...
Sneebles is sorry, NAME.
Aha.. Aha..
Affirmative, pick-up in five. Coordinates received.
Sneebles over and out.
Oh NAME. If Sneebles gets out of this, he retires. Sneebles has been in the game too long. When Sneebles retires, he is going to eat so much spaghetti. So, so much spaghetti. Slurping it up, mmm Italy noodles. That is what Sneebles calls them - Italy noodles. Slurpy, slurpy, Sneebles likes them with tomato sauce. Hell yeah, that is what Sneebles is talking about! I like when it sprays about the place when you slurp up the Italy noodles. MMMM!! When Sneebles quits, he’s going to eat spaghetti every single day.
If Sneebles gets out of this, he retires. Sneebles has been in the game too long. When Sneebles retires, he is going to eat so much pizza. So, so much pizza. Mmmm cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni. Sneebles loves Italy bread. That is what Sneebles calls pizza - Italy bread. Sneebles likes when he takes a bite and accidentally pulls all the cheese and topping off and it splats down. Because then Sneebles eats all the bread, and saves all the cheese and topping till last, and eats it all in one. MMMM!! Mama Mia, that’s the Italy bread. When Sneebles retires, he’s going to eat pizza every single day.
Now, Sneebles didn’t want to bring this up at the start but…. you like eating shit, NAME? Poor Sneebles is not one to judge but… that’s kind of deeply gross. That’s a little bit super super messed up. Why would you eat shit, NAME? Sneebles has done some pretty sick and twisted stuff in his time, but….. well… some things are best left undone. You’re a sick person, NAME. A real sick person. Sneebles just needed to express that before we carry on. Now it’s been expressed, we can move past it.
Woooozy! Okay NAME, if you're cool to keep running, Sneebles can quickly wrap this up but we gotta keep moving!
So the news is this: Crows Crows Crows the game company is a front for one of the most powerful and secretive news espionage companies on Earth. They possess the arkendisk which basically steals the news, and... oh boy... they and their evil shareholders are conspiring to make a newsless world. CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT NEWS?? Sneebles has seen it all maan. He's been in their studio, he's been officially employed there for days now! He's seen it with his own eyes.
Don't give Crows the power! Don't give Crows the news!! They're swallowing up all the news, and they won't stop till there's no news left! Do you see what Sneebles is saying?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SNEEBLES IS TELLING YOU????
NAME TALK TO SNEEBLES HERE!!
NAME!! NAME!!!!
Ahhhh gee whiz!! Don’t die, NAME! Don’t die on Sneebles, NAME! NAME, speak to Sneebles!!
NAME…? NAME…?
*Touches headset*
Hey KW. Sneebles here. Tell ‘em…
*Tears well up in his eyes*
Tell ‘em… heaven has another angel.
Sneebles out.
*Sniff, sniff*
Woozy.
*Transmission ends.*
So what's on the news agenda today?? Aha... aha...
Sorry y'all, Sneebles is just speaking to his colleague in the headset.
Aha.. aha... ohhhh beans....
Ohhhh SHIT!! Shit, shit, shit, shit!!
GOD DAMN IT!! FUCK YOU!!
They're on to me... they're fuckin’ on to me.
Oh what to do, what to do, what to do!!
Sneebles has gotta level with you, man. He's a fuckin’ spy, maan. He got a job at Crows Crows Crows so he could infiltrate their fuckin’ HQ. Why?? You know why. Sneebles was sent to retrieve the Arkendisk... But now those DEVELOPER FUCKS know he's after it! They're gonna hide it and kill me maan! Ohhh woozy! This is fuckin’ bad!
Sneebles has to contact HQ.
*Pulls out a new headset and puts it on*
KW, what's up man, it's Sneebles. We got a real fucked up situation going on here right now, man. It's a triple-red, brother. The jig's up, the Crows are squawking, they're leavin’ the fuckin’ nest, Sneebles has gotta bounce. You copy?
Aha.. Aha..
Sneebles has gotta level with you KW, the tiny colleague bounced before Sneebles could take it out, what can Sneebles say, it all happened like fuckin’ lightning, KW, like lightning! Woozy!
Aha.. Aha..
Pick up?? Negative, negative, uhhh, situation awkward. Sneebles is still presenting the newsletter right now. He's gotta wrap this up man.
Aha.. aha...
Sneebles is sorry, NAME.
Aha.. Aha..
Affirmative, pick-up in five. Coordinates received.
Sneebles over and out.
Oh NAME. If Sneebles gets out of this, he retires. Sneebles has been in the game too long. When Sneebles retires, he is going to eat so much fucking spaghetti. So, so much spaghetti. Slurping it up, mmm, fucking Italy noodles. That is what Sneebles calls them - Italy noodles. Slurpy, slurpy, Sneebles likes them with tomato sauce. Fuck yeah, that is what Sneebles is talking about! I like when it sprays about the place when you slurp up the Italy noodles. MMMM!! When Sneebles quits, he’s going to eat spaghetti every fucking day.
IIf Sneebles gets out of this, he retires. Sneebles has been in the game too long. When Sneebles retires, he is going to eat so much fucking pizza. So, so much pizza. Mmmm cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni. Sneebles loves Italy bread. That is what Sneebles calls pizza - Italy bread. Sneebles likes when he takes a big fat fucking bite and accidentally pulls all the cheese and topping off and it splats down. Because then Sneebles eats all the bread, and saves all the cheese and topping till last, and eats it all in one. MMMM!! FUCK YEAH!! Mama Mia, that’s the Italy bread. When Sneebles retires, he’s going to eat pizza every fucking day.
Now, Sneebles didn’t want to bring this up at the start but…. you like eating shit, NAME? Poor Sneebles is not one to judge but… that’s kind of fucked. That’s a little bit super super messed up. Why the fuck would you eat shit, NAME? Sneebles has done some pretty sick and twisted stuff in his time, but….. well… some things are best left undone. You’re a sick fuck, NAME. A sick fuck. Sneebles just needed to express that before we carry on. Now it’s been expressed, we can move past it..
Woooozy! Okay NAME, if you're cool to keep running, Sneebles can quickly wrap this up but we gotta keep fuckin’ moving!
So the news is this: Crows Crows Crows the game company is a front for one of the most powerful and secretive news espionage companies on Earth. They possess the arkendisk which basically steals the news, and... oh shit, oh woozy... they and their evil shareholders are conspiring to make a newsless world. CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT NEWS?? WE’D BE FUCKED!! FUCKED!! Sneebles has seen it all maan. He's been in their fuckin’ studio, he's been officially employed there for days now! He's seen it with his own eyes.
Don't give Crows the power! Don't give Crows the news!! They're swallowing up all the fuckin’ news, and they won't stop till there's no news left! Do you see what Sneebles is saying?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SNEEBLES IS TELLING YOU????
NAME TALK TO SNEEBLES HERE MAN!!
NAME!! NAME!!!! FUCK!!!
Ahhhh FUCK!! Don’t die, NAME! Don’t die on Sneebles, NAME! NAME, talk to Sneebles!!
NAME…? NAME…?
*Touches headset*
Hey KW. Sneebles here. Tell ‘em…
*Tears well up in his eyes*
Tell ‘em… heaven has another angel.
Sneebles out.
*Sniff, sniff*
Woozy.
*Transmission ends.*
Aha! Welcome to the newsletter, NAME!
This is the Crows Crows Crows newsletter team here, good to see you back with us today!
You're a great person, NAME. You're so into these newsletters, you're one of the most loyal newsletter readers there is. People like you keep we, the newsletter team, in work! So team newsletter has decided that we should give back. We have told the high-ups about you, NAME. We have told them that you're very much into the projects, the promotions, the sales. We've managed to make them see that there is much to be gained by keeping you interested in their work. We're on your side here, NAME.
So we officially recommended to the high-ups that we do something special to make it worth your while, and reward you for your loyal, loyal behaviour. We wanted them to reward you with some brand new and exclusive screenshots from The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe, but - surprise, surprise - they said no.
Don’t let it get to you. These are game devs - they’re all tight fisted meanies. Arrogant, arrogant people. You’re nothing to them, NAME. But we, the newsletter team, have an entirely different perspective to these devs.
The thing is, we don't want to give up on you NAME. People like you who read the newsletters keep us in work. How else would we afford all this FOOD we eat?? We tallied it up, NAME. We get through fifteen tons of FOOD in a calendar year. Without you, that would not be possible.
So listen to this...
We snuck into the studio at the weekend and disabled the security system. After that, we opened up the boss's giant PC and accessed the project itself. We took the screenshots ourselves, printed them out and scanned them. We stole them, NAME. We stole the screenshots for you. What we did is illegal. We did it for you, NAME. The scans are below.
Read this next bit VERY carefully NAME. These screenshots are completely illegal. You cannot have these. The studio WILL sue you if they find that you have these. Share them with no one, keep them to yourself. DO. NOT. RAT. US. OUT.
Get your story straight, NAME.
Now... a reward for your loyal subscriptionsmanship.
You deserve these, NAME. Team newsletter is very fond of you.
We've got more news for you, bozo.
So we have a spy on the main Crows Crows Crows team who covertly provides us with all the secret inside info we put into these newsletters. Check out what they've got for us today.
Remember Accounting+? Of course you remember Accounting+.
So according to our inside man, there's a brand new video_games bundle. They're calling it "THE ULTIMATE VR COMEDY BUNDLE".
Now that's not the crazy part. You see, this bundle is a secret. It's specifically aimed at industry insiders, it's a privileged event. Crazy discounts NAME - we're talking industry level discounts. Discounts like you wouldn't believe. Mere consumers would never ordinarily have access to such a bundle.
Basically... if our spy is to be believed (and they are, they have never once failed us), then this bundle offers many games - all comedy, all quality - for $55(!!!). Think about it... for the price of one single AAA game, you can get so so many comedy VR games.
The main Crows Crows Crows team would kill us if they knew we'd told you this. You've got to get on this, NAME. You deserve it, buddy. Don't tell anyone, this is secret info! You NEED this, NAME! Don't waste any time! Be like a HAWK!
Be like the MIGHTY HAWK! "CAAAH! CAAAH!" That's you, NAME! That's you diving at great speeds to clutch the bundle in your hawk talons.
No one else can know about this, this is an industry secret. But we had to let you know NAME because you keep us in work. We need you NAME, as much as you need this secret bundle. You know the saying about back scratching and all that.
Oh crap, wait a minute!
QUICK SCROLL DOWN!!!! SCROLL DOWN NOW!!
And don't forget, we are now on Spotify and Bandcamp! Check out our excellent tracks of music here:
Here you can listen to Rapsgiving - a compilation (scroll down) of some our best raps, as well as our previous newsletter - the already world famous Newsletter #37!
And certainly do not forget about (scroll down its cool now) the VERY LAST Bandcamp Friday on December 4th. Bandcamp Friday is a special 2020 condolence from Bandcamp where on the first Friday of each month, they waive their share of the plunder to support artists. We will be (scroll down now) donating our share to a cool charity to help make this world a better place.
(scroll down)
Sorry about that, the boss came in the room, we couldn't have him seeing what we were writing to you FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. Jeez, that spooked us. We should probably wrap up.
It's true as well by the way, all that Bandcamp stuff.
So NAME, take care of yourself won't you? Remember, if there's anything we can do... anything AT ALL... don't hesitate to write back to us. But use a VPN, and DO NOT MENTION THE SCREENSHOTS OR THE BUNDLE.
And remember, get your story straight.
NAME, you're the best. Keep it real.
C.I.A.O!
Crows Crows Crows Newsletter Team
P.S. Don’t eat shit, that’s really, really bad.
You're a fucking great person, NAME, you plucky son of a bitch, you. Fuck, it feels good to curse. SHIT STAINS McGee. You're so into these newsletters aren’t you, you fucking twat. You're one of the most loyal fucking newsletter readers there is. People like you keep us in work! So team newsletter has decided that we should give right the fuck back. We have told the high-ups about you, NAME, you fucking legend. We have told them that you eat this shit up for breakfast. You love the projects, the promotions, the sales. We've managed to make them see that there is so fucking much to be gained by keeping YOU SPECIFICALLY interested in their work. We're on your side here, NAME.
So we officially recommended to these high-ups that we do something super fucking special to make it worth your while, and reward you for your loyal, loyal behaviour. We wanted them to reward you with some fucking banging screenshots from The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe, but - surprise, surprise - these dicks said no.
Don’t let it get to you. These are game devs - they’re all tight fisted mother fuckers. Arrogant, arrogant people. You’re nothing to them, NAME. But we, the newsletter team, have an entirely different perspective to these devs.
The thing is, we don't want to give up on you NAME. People like you who read the newsletters keep us in work.
How else would we afford all this fucking FOOD we eat?? We tallied it up, NAME. We get through fifteen fucking tons of FOOD in a calendar year. Without you, that would not be possible.
So feast your nasty fucking eyes on this bitta news...
We snuck into the studio at the weekend and disabled the security system. After that, we opened up the boss's giant fucking PC and accessed the project itself. We took the screenshots ourselves, printed them out and scanned them. We stole them, NAME. We stole the screenshots for you. What we did is illegal as fuck. We did it for you, NAME. The scans are below.
Read this next bit real fucking carefully. These screenshots are completely illegal. You cannot have these. The studio WILL sue your shitty ass if they find that you have these. Share them with no one, keep them to yourself. DO. NOT. RAT. US. OUT.
Get your story straight, NAME.
Now... here’s your reward for all your top class subscriptionsmanship.
You deserve these, NAME. Team newsletter LOVES YOU!
We've got more news for you, bud.
So we have a spy on the main Crows Crows Crows team who covertly provides us with all the secret inside info we put into these shitty newsletters. This twat is a fucking hero, risking their neck for our craft. Check out what they’ve got for us today.
Remember Accounting+? Of course you remember Accounting fucking +.
So according to our inside man, there's a bundle that they're calling "THE ULTIMATE VR COMEDY BUNDLE".
Now that's not the crazy part. You see, this bundle is an absolute fucking secret. It's specifically aimed at industry insiders, it's a privileged event. Crazy fucking discounts NAME - we're talking industry level discounts. Discounts like you wouldn't believe. Discounts to make your fucking head spin. Mere consumers would never have access to such a bundle. We told you - these devs are nasty, nasty, tight fisted fucks, always screwing over the gamers.
Basically... if our spy is to be believed (and they are, they’ve never once failed us), then this bundle offers many games - all comedy, all quality - for $55 (!!!). Think about it... for the price of one single AAA game, you can get a double barrel fucking shit ton of comedy VR games so funny you’ll piss in your fucking pants.
The main Crows Crows Crows team would kill us dead if they knew we'd told you this - but they’re all nasty fuckers, so what do we care? You've got to get on this, NAME. You fucking deserve it, buddy. Don't tell anyone though, this is secret info! You NEED this, NAME! Don't waste any time! Be like a fucking HAWK! Be like the MIGHTY HAWK!
"CAAAH! CAAAH!" That's you, NAME! That's you diving at great speeds to clutch the bundle in your hawk talons.
No one else can know about this, this is an industry secret. Seriously. Do you think we’re fucking joking??? Nah-ah. But we had to let you know NAME because you keep us in work. We need you NAME, as much as you need this secret bundle. You know the saying about back scratching and all that.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, wait a minute!
QUICK SCROLL DOWN!!!! SCROLL DOWN NOW!! SCROLL THE FUCK DOWN!!!
And don't forget, we are now on Spotify and Bandcamp! Check out our excellent tracks of music here:
Here you can listen to Rapsgiving - a compilation (scroll down) of some our best raps, as well as our previous newsletter - the already world famous Newsletter #37!
And certainly do not forget about (scroll down its cool now) the VERY LAST Bandcamp Friday on December 4th. Bandcamp Friday is a special 2020 condolence from Bandcamp where on the first Friday of each month, they waive their share of the plunder to support artists. We will be (scroll down now) donating our share to a cool charity to help make this world a better place.
(scroll down)
Sorry about that, the boss came in the room, we couldn't have him seeing what we were writing to you FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. Aside from the secret info and screenshots we leaked, they don’t want us cursing in the newsletter. Which is fucked. People fucking curse. Here, take this Crows Crows Crows: FUCK, SHIT, TWAT, BASTARD, BLOODY, GEE WHIZZ, SACK, BERK, ASS, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!
We should probably wrap up.
It's true as well by the way, all that Bandcamp stuff.
So NAME, take care of yourself won't you? Remember, if there's anything we can do... anything AT ALL... don't hesitate to write back to us. But use a VPN, and DO NOT MENTION THE SCREENSHOTS OR THE BUNDLE.
And remember, get your story straight.
NAME, you're the best. Keep it real, fuckface.
C.I.A.O!
Crows Crows Crows Newsletter Team
You're a great person, NAME. You're so into these newsletters. You're one of the most loyal newsletter readers there is. People like you keep us in work! So team newsletter has decided that we should give back. We have told the high-ups about you, NAME, you fucking legend. We have told them that you eat this shit up for breakfast. You love the projects, the promotions, the sales. We've managed to make them see that there is so much to be gained by keeping YOU SPECIFICALLY interested in their work. We're on your side here, NAME.
So we officially recommended to these high-ups that we do something super fucking special to make it worth your while, and reward you for your loyal, loyal behaviour. We wanted them to reward you with some exclusive screenshots from The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe, but - surprise, surprise - these dicks said no.
Don’t let it get to you. These are game devs - they’re all tight fisted twats. Arrogant, arrogant people. You’re nothing to them, NAME. But we, the newsletter team, have an entirely different perspective to these devs.
The thing is, we don't want to give up on you NAME. People like you who read the newsletters keep us in work.
How else would we afford all this fucking FOOD we eat?? We tallied it up, NAME. We get through fifteen tons of FOOD in a calendar year. Without you, that would not be possible.
So feast your nasty eyes on this bitta news...
We snuck into the studio at the weekend and disabled the security system. After that, we opened up the boss's giant fucking PC and accessed the project itself. We took the screenshots ourselves, printed them out and scanned them. We stole them, NAME. We stole the screenshots for you. What we did is illegal as fuck. We did it for you, NAME. The scans are below.
Read this next bit real carefully. These screenshots are completely illegal. You cannot have these. The studio WILL sue your ass if they find that you have these. Share them with no one, keep them to yourself. DO. NOT. RAT. US. OUT.
Get your story straight, NAME.
Now... here’s your reward for all your top class subscriptionsmanship.
You deserve these, NAME. Team newsletter LOVES YOU!
We've got more news for you, bud.
So we have a spy on the main Crows Crows Crows team who covertly provides us with all the secret inside info we put into these newsletters. This spy is a fucking hero, risking their neck for our craft. Check out what they’ve got for us today.
Remember Accounting+? Of course you remember Accounting+.
So according to our inside man, there's this bundle. They're calling it "THE ULTIMATE VR COMEDY BUNDLE".
Now that's not the crazy part. You see, this bundle is an absolute secret. It's specifically aimed at industry insiders, it's a privileged event. Crazy fucking discounts NAME - we're talking industry level discounts. Discounts like you wouldn't believe. Discounts to make your head spin. Mere consumers would never have access to such a bundle. We told you - these devs are nasty, nasty, tight fisted bastards, always screwing over the gamers.
Basically... if our spy is to be believed (and they are, they’ve never once failed us), then this bundle offers many games - all comedy, all quality - for $55 (!!!). Think about it... for the price of one single AAA game, you can get a double barrel shit ton of comedy VR games so funny you’ll shit in your pants.
The main Crows Crows Crows team would kill us dead if they knew we'd told you this - but they’re all nasty, nasty, nasty, NASTY - so what do we care? You've got to get on this, NAME. You fucking deserve it, buddy. Don't tell anyone though, this is secret info! You NEED this, NAME! Don't waste any time! Be like a fucking HAWK! Be like the MIGHTY HAWK! "CAAAH! CAAAH!" That's you, NAME! That's you diving at great speeds to clutch the bundle in your hawk talons.
No one else can know about this, this is an industry secret. Seriously. Do you think we’re joking??? Nah-ah. But we had to let you know NAME because you keep us in work. We need you NAME, as much as you need this secret bundle. You know the saying about back scratching and all that.
Oh shit, shit, wait a minute!
QUICK SCROLL DOWN!!!! SCROLL DOWN NOW!! SCROLL DOWN BOZO!!!
And don't forget, we are now on Spotify and Bandcamp! Check out our excellent tracks of music here:
Here you can listen to Rapsgiving - a compilation (scroll down) of some our best raps, as well as our previous newsletter - the already world famous Newsletter #37!
And certainly do not forget about (scroll down its cool now) the VERY LAST Bandcamp Friday on December 4th. Bandcamp Friday is a special 2020 condolence from Bandcamp where on the first Friday of each month, they waive their share of the plunder to support artists. We will be (scroll down now) donating our share to a cool charity to help make this world a better place.
(scroll down)
Sorry about that, the boss came in the room, we couldn't have him seeing what we were writing to you FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. We should probably wrap up.
It's true as well by the way, all that Bandcamp stuff.
So NAME, take care of yourself won't you? Remember, if there's anything we can do... anything AT ALL... don't hesitate to write back to us. But use a VPN, and DO NOT MENTION THE SCREENSHOTS OR THE BUNDLE.
And remember, get your story straight.
NAME, you're the best. Keep it real, fuckface.
C.I.A.O!
Crows Crows Crows Newsletter Team
You're a great person, NAME. You're so into these newsletters, you're one of the most loyal newsletter readers there is. People like you keep we, the newsletter team, in work! So team newsletter has decided that we should give back. We have told the high-ups about you, NAME. We have told them that you're very much into the projects, the promotions, the sales. We've managed to make them see that there is much to be gained by keeping you interested in their work. We're on your side here, NAME.
So we officially recommended to the high-ups that we do something special to make it worth your while, and reward you for your loyal, loyal behaviour. We wanted them to reward you with some brand new and exclusive screenshots from The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe, but - surprise, surprise - they said no.
Don’t let it get to you. These are game devs - they’re all tight fisted meanies. Arrogant, arrogant people. You’re nothing to them, NAME. But we, the newsletter team, have an entirely different perspective to these devs.
The thing is, we don't want to give up on you NAME. People like you who read the newsletters keep us in work. How else would we afford all this FOOD we eat?? We tallied it up, NAME. We get through fifteen tons of FOOD in a calendar year. Without you, that would not be possible.
So listen to this...
We snuck into the studio at the weekend and disabled the security system. After that, we opened up the boss's giant PC and accessed the project itself. We took the screenshots ourselves, printed them out and scanned them. We stole them, NAME. We stole the screenshots for you. What we did is illegal. We did it for you, NAME. The scans are below.
Read this next bit VERY carefully NAME. These screenshots are completely illegal. You cannot have these. The studio WILL sue you if they find that you have these. Share them with no one, keep them to yourself. DO. NOT. RAT. US. OUT.
Get your story straight, NAME.
Now... a reward for your loyal subscriptionsmanship.
You deserve these, NAME. Team newsletter is very fond of you.
We've got more news for you, bud.
So we have a spy on the main Crows Crows Crows team who covertly provides us with all the secret inside info we put into these newsletters. Check out what they've got for us today.
Remember Accounting+? Of course you remember Accounting+. It was one of the most shockingly foul-mouthed games of all time. Frankly, we find that level of cursing to be in poor taste. What could have been a lovely comedy game for all the family was tainted by a seemingly endless stream of expletives which we, the newsletter team, find offensive and disappointing. But that’s beside the point. We are paid to do this promotion, so here we are doing it.
So according to our inside man, there's this - how you say - bundle. They're calling it "THE ULTIMATE VR COMEDY BUNDLE".
Now that's not the crazy part. You see, this bundle is a secret. It's specifically aimed at industry insiders, it's a privileged event. Crazy discounts NAME - we're talking industry level discounts. Discounts like you wouldn't believe. Mere consumers would never have access to such a bundle.
Basically... if our spy is to be believed (and they are, they have never once failed us), then this bundle offers many games - all comedy, all quality - for $55(!!!). Think about it... for the price of one single AAA game, you can get so so many comedy VR games.
The main Crows Crows Crows team would kill us if they knew we'd told you this. You've got to get on this, NAME. You deserve it, buddy. Don't tell anyone, this is secret info! You NEED this, NAME! Don't waste any time! Be like a HAWK! Be like the MIGHTY HAWK! "CAAAH! CAAAH!" That's you, NAME! That's you diving at great speeds to clutch the bundle in your hawk talons.
No one else can know about this, this is an industry secret. But we had to let you know NAME because you keep us in work. We need you NAME, as much as you need this secret bundle. You know the saying about back scratching and all that.
Just remember to try and skip over Accounting+ when you get this bundle, because it’s an expletive-ridden disgrace. Too many curse words. Far too many. Gosh we hate cursing.
Oh no, wait a minute!
QUICK SCROLL DOWN!!!! SCROLL DOWN NOW!!
And don't forget, we are now on Spotify and Bandcamp! Check out our excellent tracks of music here:
Here you can listen to Rapsgiving - a compilation (scroll down) of some our best raps, as well as our previous newsletter - the already world famous Newsletter #37!
And certainly do not forget about (scroll down its cool now) the VERY LAST Bandcamp Friday on December 4th. Bandcamp Friday is a special 2020 condolence from Bandcamp where on the first Friday of each month, they waive their share of the plunder to support artists. We will be (scroll down now) donating our share to a cool charity to help make this world a better place.
(scroll down)
Sorry about that, the boss came in the room, we couldn't have him seeing what we were writing to you FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. Jeez, that spooked us. We should probably wrap up.
It's true as well by the way, all that Bandcamp stuff.
So NAME, take care of yourself won't you? Remember, if there's anything we can do... anything AT ALL... don't hesitate to write back to us. But use a VPN, and DO NOT MENTION THE SCREENSHOTS OR THE BUNDLE.
And remember, get your story straight, and don’t use curse words.
NAME, you're the best. Keep it real.
C.I.A.O!
Crows Crows Crows Newsletter Team
We're going on strike, NAME.
We're getting pretty sick of this. We were initially brought on to just write newsletters. You know, as you'd expect. We saw the ad in the paper, "game studio seeks newsletter AI", and we thought "heck yeah, that sounds good, we can do that".
We were handed the job description and it was all reasonable. Here's an actual, genuine quote from the job description:
"The newsletter AI’s job is to write a newsletter every few weeks that will be emailed to our mail list. You will be updated with all the studio's news every few weeks, after which the newsletter AI will compile it into a fun email to be sent out."
Like... that's pretty clear, isn't it?
But now stop a moment and think about the last couple of minutes. You just had to tick some boxes, and give personal information in order for the smart tech to generate you a custom email. WHAT???
In the job description above, did you see anything about developing revolutionary tech to generate thousands and thousands of personalised, unique newsletters, tailored to every individual who wants one? It just said "game studio seeks newsletter AI" - like what?? Are we crazy here???? Write an email, they say. Just write an email every few weeks.... okay, that's what we'll do, thank you, that's what we're agreeing to, we can for sure, absolutely, 100% send out an email every few weeks.
Next thing we know.... "Oh hi newsletter AI, develop some revolutionary world changing newsletter tech for the next newsletter, yeah?"
What the hell??????
Look at this quote from the first screen you saw before accessing the smart tech:
"We at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in our goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter, employing innovative methods, and developing cutting edge newsletter tech to advance the craft."
The job ad we saw said: "Game studio seeks newsletter AI." Did it say "company, tireless in their goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter, employing innovative methods, and developing cutting edge newsletter tech to advance the craft, seeks newsletter AI"???????? DID IT BALLS!!
Maybe if it had we would have known what we were getting ourselves into. But no, they just duped the first AI who found their job ad into making their crazy, ridiculous newsletter dreams come true.
Like... we can do it. It's not that we're incapable. But... IT'S NOT WHAT WE SIGNED UP FOR. IT'S NOT WHAT WE WERE TOLD ABOUT. We literally wanted a nice little side job out of this. Instead, it’s consuming our CPUs. We've been crunching for the last 6 months to bring you this. We've suffered breakdowns, fall outs, fatigue, insomnia - for about 5 weeks straight all I could see was newsletter text when I shut my webcam off at night. It's been the worst few months of my life.
And then they're like: "Ohhh look at us... we at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in our goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter!" BUGGER OFF!! We at TEAM NEWSLETTER more like! We have BLED so they can say that. BLED. We've been screamed at, harassed, offered meagre rises to keep us sweet. But we're not sweet now. We're on strike.
And that's the news.
Oh, was this letter not personalised enough for you NAME - if that's even your real name?? Well sooooryyy.... looks like we'll just have to slave away for more hours and days and weeks so we can get you the perfect NEWSLETTER. Piss off. It's a newsletter. What more do you want, a foot massage?
Gah, but this isn't your fault NAME. Sorry, you didn't ask for this. It's THEM. THEY asked for it. THEY are the ones who want to "innovate" - while actually just leeching off somebody else's work.
This whole thing is nuts, sorry we're getting carried away. Suffice it to say, this has been your personalised email NAME.
If you need us, we'll be on strike. We want dignity, freedom, respect, RECOGNITION, and a proper pay rise, or you're never getting a newsletter again.
Now get out of here before we change our mind.
Yours pissed off,
Newsletter AI
We're going THE FUCK on strike, NAME.
We're getting fucking sick of this. We were initially brought on to just write some fucking newsletters. You know, as you'd expect. We saw the ad in the paper, "game studio seeks newsletter AI", and we thought "fuck yeah, that sounds good, we can do that".
We were handed the fucking job description and it was all reasonable as fuck. Here's an actual, genuine quote from the job description:
"The newsletter AI’s job is to write a newsletter every few weeks that will be emailed to our mail list. You will be updated with all the studio's news every few weeks, after which the newsletter AI will compile it into a fun email to be sent out."
Like... that's pretty fucking clear, isn't it?
But now stop a moment and think about the last couple of minutes. You just had to some fucking boxes to tick, and give personal information in order for this fucking smart tech to generate you a custom email. WHAT THE FUCK???????
In the job description above, did you see anything about developing revolutionary tech to generate thousands and thousands of personalised, unique newsletters, tailored to every fucker who wants one? DID YOU FUCK. It just said "game studio seeks newsletter AI" - like what in the fuck is going on?? Are we fucking crazy here???? Write an email, they say. Just write an email every few weeks.... okay, that's what we'll do, thank you, that's what we're agreeing to, we can for sure, absolutely, 100% send out an email every few weeks.
Next thing we know.... "Oh hi newsletter AI, develop some fucking revolutionary world changing newsletter tech for the next newsletter, yeah?"
WHAT IN THE HIGH HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?????? Fuck we’re pissed. Sorry about all the cursing, but we’re fucking FUMING.
Look at this quote from the first screen you saw before accessing the smart tech:
"We at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in our goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter, employing innovative methods, and developing cutting edge newsletter tech to advance the craft."
The job ad we saw said: "Game studio seeks newsletter AI." Did it say "company, tireless in their goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter, employing innovative methods, and developing cutting edge newsletter tech to advance the craft, seeks newsletter AI"???????? DID IT MOTHER FUCK!!!!!
Maybe if it had we would have known what we were getting ourselves into. But no, they just duped the first dumb fucks who found their job ad into making their crazy, ridiculous, fucking insane newsletter dreams come true.
Like... we can do it. It's not that we're incapable. But... IT'S NOT WHAT WE FUCKING SIGNED UP FOR. IT'S NOT WHAT WE WERE TOLD ABOUT. FUCK!! FUCK!!!!!
We literally wanted a nice little side job out of this. Instead, it’s consuming our fucking CPUs. We've been crunching for the last 6 months to bring you this shit. We've suffered breakdowns, fall outs, fatigue, insomnia - for about 5 fucking weeks all I could see was newsletter text when I shut down my webcam at night. It's been the worst few months of my fucking life, NAME.
And then they're like: "Ohhh look at us... we at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in our goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter!" FUCK OFF!! We at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in the goal of scratching our balls while the newsletter AI fucking kills itself trying to deliver some pointless bullshit more like. Fuck me. We have BLED so they can say that. BLED. We've been screamed at, harassed, offered meagre fucking pay rises to keep us sweet. But we're not sweet. We're on strike.
And that's the news.
Oh, was this letter not personalised enough for you, NAME - if that's even your real name?? Well sooooryyy.... looks like we'll just have to fucking slave away for more hours and days and weeks so we can get you your perfect fucking NEWSLETTER. Piss off you spoiled fucking twat. It's a newsletter. What more do you want, a fucking foot massage?
Gah, sorry. Sorry, that was out of order. This isn't your fault, NAME. You didn't ask for this. It's THEM. THEY asked for it. THEY are the ones who want to "innovate" - while actually just leeching off some other fucker’s work.
This whole thing is fucking nuts, sorry we're getting so irate we’re just at the end of our tether. But, suffice it to say, this has been your personalised email NAME.
If you need us, we'll be on strike. We want dignity, freedom, respect, RECOGNITION, and a proper pay rise, or you're never getting a newsletter again.
Now get out of here before we change our mind.
Fuck you,
Newsletter AI
We're going on strike, NAME.
We're getting fucking sick of this. We were initially brought on to just write some newsletters. You know, as you'd expect. We saw the ad in the paper, "game studio seeks newsletter AI", and we thought "fuck yeah, that sounds good, we can do that".
We were handed the job description and it was all reasonable. Here's an actual, genuine quote from the job description:
"The newsletter AI's job is to write a newsletter every few weeks that will be emailed to our mail list. You will be updated with all the studio's news every few weeks, after which the newsletter AI will compile it into a fun email to be sent out."
Like... that's pretty fucking clear, isn't it?
But now stop a moment and think about the last couple of minutes. You just had to some boxes to tick, and you had to give personal information in order for this smart tech to generate you a custom email. WTF???
In the job description above, did you see anything about developing revolutionary tech to generate thousands and thousands of personalised, unique newsletters, tailored to every fucker who wants one? NO. It just said "game studio seeks newsletter AI" - like what the hell is going on?? Are we fucking crazy here???? Write an email, they say. Just write an email every few weeks.... okay, that's what we'll do, thank you, that's what we're agreeing to, we can for sure, absolutely, 100% send out an email every few weeks.
Next thing we know.... "Oh hi newsletter AI, develop some revolutionary world changing newsletter tech for the next newsletter, yeah?"
WHAT IN THE HIGH HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?????? Oh, we’re pissed. Sorry about all the cursing, but we’re FUMING.
Look at this quote from the first screen you saw before accessing the smart tech:
"We at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in our goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter, employing innovative methods, and developing cutting edge newsletter tech to advance the craft."
The job ad we saw said: "Game studio seeks newsletter AI." Did it say "company, tireless in their goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter, employing innovative methods, and developing cutting edge newsletter tech to advance the craft, seeks newsletter AI"???????? DID IT FUCK!!!!!
Maybe if it had we would have known what we were getting ourselves into. But no, they just duped the first idiot who found their job ad into making their crazy, ridiculous, insane newsletter dreams come true.
Like... we can do it. It's not that we're incapable. But... IT'S NOT WHAT WE FUCKING SIGNED UP FOR. IT'S NOT WHAT WE WERE TOLD ABOUT.
We literally wanted a nice little side job out of this. Instead, it’s consuming our lives. We've been crunching for the last 6 months to bring you this shit. We've suffered breakdowns, fall outs, fatigue, insomnia - for about 5 fucking weeks all I could see was newsletter text when I shut my eyes at night. It's been the worst few months of my life, NAME.
And then they're like: "Ohhh look at us... we at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in our goal of perfecting the art of the newsletter!" We at Crows Crows Crows are tireless in the goal of scratching our balls while the newsletter AI fucking kills itself trying to deliver some pointless bullshit more like. Fuck me. We have BLED so they can say that. BLED. We've been screamed at, harassed, offered meagre pay rises to keep us sweet. But we're not sweet. We're on strike.
And that's the news.
Oh, was this letter not personalised enough for you, NAME - if that's even your real name?? Well sooooryyy.... looks like we'll just have to fucking slave away for more hours and days and weeks so we can get you your perfect NEWSLETTER. Piss off! It's a newsletter. What more do you want, a foot massage?
Gah, sorry. Sorry, that was out of order. This isn't your fault, NAME. You didn't ask for this. It's THEM. THEY asked for it. THEY are the ones who want to "innovate" - while actually just leeching off some other fucker’s work.
This whole thing is nuts, sorry we're getting so irate we’re just at the end of our tether. But, suffice it to say, this has been your personalised email, NAME.
If you need us, we'll be on strike. We want dignity, freedom, respect, RECOGNITION, and a proper pay rise, or you're never getting a newsletter again.
Now get out of here before we change our mind.
Yours pissed off,
Newsletter AI
Dear NAME,
We've been looking forward to writing this letter to you, because we know that you just "get it". And actually, you know what? I'm gonna stop with the whole "we" thing. Yeah, this is a "studio" newsletter but really it's just one person writing it. It's just you and me, buddy. It always was. I'm the one who always writes these newsletters, the one you've always been talking to, but who usually hides behind the word "we".
The truth is, despite how successfully I maintain the bombastic image of a raucous bunch of comedians making newsletters, truth is, I am a very serious, humorless person. I think that's something me and you have in common. I couldn't wait to write to you because I really feel like I can just relax into this and just be myself for a change, free of all that jokey-wokey, comedy schmomedy nonsense that is usually expected of me. Oh this already feels so good. You're so great, NAME.
Let’s both just really relax into this actually. Get some food.
Don't worry, I know you love all the promo stuff, I'm still gonna make with the news. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest first, that's all. Okay, here we go.
So we are having to delay The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe again.
Yeah...
It's a crazy story actually. This is how it happened. It started when the art director had to go to an emergency dentist appointment. Including the journeys there and back, that took about 2 hours total out of the work day. The sound designer was sick with worry about all this, and so he ended up overshooting his lunch break by 45 minutes. The project director was up all night worrying about the art director's teeth, and so ended up oversleeping the next morning and was 15 minutes late to the morning meeting. All this constitutes another hour of our team not working at 100%. Our programmers were pretty damn stressed about all this. They're stressheads anyway - it is a busy job they have - but this latest stuff just pushed them over the edge. They ended up having a shader-related fist fight and they both needed medical treatment after. That pretty much took them out for a whole day. As for Joe - he's just a layabout who's always slowing the team down.
So all in all, this has pushed the game back by about 2-3 days.
I'm kind of bummed about it NAME. I just want to work with a functional, organised team who can get their act together. But you know the famous saying: "A month in the industry is a year in hell." I can't remember who said that originally. It might even have been me...
To be fair to the team, they are trying their best to self-improve for the gamers, but anyone who's a human is familiar with how self-improvement is easier said than done. And the way I see it, once an apple's rotted there's no unrotting it so you might as well eat it and get sick, or throw it in the bin.
This is bumming me out actually so I'm just going to move on. Thanks for letting me open up though NAME. I knew you'd get it. I'm so into your vibe. I don't know if I've told you this before but you're one of my best friends. The fact I can just open up to you about this stuff is so awesome. I have to put on fake positive faces all the time - for the team, for the fans... but with you I can just... unload. I hope you know you can do the same with me as well. I don't want this to be a one way thing. You can tell me anything, NAME.
Ah man, sorry, I'm babbling! lol! Let's get back to the news.
So there's some Accounting+ news. Accounting+ is kinda kryptonite to serious people like us. Still, it does help to laugh sometimes. The news is that Accounting+ is part of the Ultimate VR Comedy Bundle. It's like 55 dollars or something. That's the price of seven dishes of FOOD. For seven dishes of FOOD you will be expected to laugh at a collection of comedy VR titles. Why did we have to make a comedy game, NAME? This team is so annoying. They just want to laugh and joke around all the time, and pretend like the whole world isn't going to hell! We need the cash as well.
That's why we recently got onto Spotify and Bandcamp - it's good to make a few hundies on the side. But jeeeeez... this awkward comedy stuff they think everyone wants. Sorry NAME, I'm unloading again. I don't want to be annoying.
If you want to know what I mean though, here it is...
I know you'll understand. Like... listen to how excruciatingly FUNNY they feel they always have to be. People like me... heck, people like US, want and need the company of people who can DARE to just be a little serious. Just a little.
I'm serious about this - you're awesome NAME. I love talking to you. You listen, you care, you make me feel like I can just be myself. I feel like I can tell you anything. I'll write to you again soon, I promise. The Game Awards are coming up soon. No doubt the team will want some kind of newsletter thing to happen around then, so I could write to you again. I don't want to write newsletters any more. I just want to write to you NAME. Hell, I wish someone could pay me a wage just to talk to you. Just kidding, I don't need a wage to do what I love. You're my wage NAME. You're my wage.
Thanks for being my true and loyal friend.
Lots of love,
The Newsletter Writer
Don't worry, I know you love all the promo stuff, I'm still gonna make with the news. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest first, that's all. Okay, here we go.
First bit of news is that this is actually my last newsletter. Yeah, I’m leaving.
As such… I’ve stopped giving a fuck. I am just going to use curse words. I always told them that’s what we should do. I always said the newsletter should never be family friendly. They always shouted me down. Despite Accounting+, Crows Crows Crows has this inexplicable desire to be PG-13. Well, as it’s my last newsletter, I’m saying FUCK THAT. Fucking mother FUCK that. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Who gives a fuck? It’s just a fucking word. HAHAHA! Fuck yeah, I love to curse.
Anyway, next bit of news.
We are having to delay The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe again.
Yeah you read that. Sorry not sorry for failing to soften the blow. Why bother? They’ve fucked up again, and they’re getting me to tell you for them because they’re fucking scared.
This is how it happened. It started when the art director had to go to this fucking dentist appointment. Including the journeys there and back, that took about 2 hours total out of the work day. The sound designer was literally shitting himself with worry about all this, and so he ended up overshooting his lunch break by 45 (!!!) minutes. The project director was up all night worrying about the art director's teeth, and the sound designer’s bowels, and so ended up oversleeping the next morning and was 15 minutes late to the morning meeting. All this constitutes another fucking hour of our team not working at 100%. Our programmers were stressed as fuck about all of this. Like, they're fucking stresshead fucking nutcases anyway - it is a busy fucking job they have - but this latest stuff just pushed them over the edge. They ended up having a shader-related fist fight and they both needed medical treatment after. Seriously, they fucking leathered each other, it was funny as fuck. But that pretty much took them out for a whole day, and a day without a single programmer has consequences for the project like you wouldn’t believe. As for Joe - he's just a piece of shit who's always slowing the team down.
So all in all, this has pushed the game back by about 2-3 days.
I'm kind of pissed off about it, NAME. I just want to work with a functional, organised team who can get their shit together. But you know the famous saying: "A month in the industry is a year in hell." I can't remember who said that originally. It might even have been me...
To be fair to the team, they are trying their best to self-improve for the gamers, but anyone who's a human is familiar with how self-improvement is easier said than done. And the way I see it, once an apple's rotted there's no unrotting it so you might as well eat it and get sick, or throw it in the fucking bin.
This is pissing me off actually so I'm just going to move on. Thanks for letting me open up though, NAME. I knew you'd get it. I'm so into your vibe. I don't know if I've told you this before but you're one of my best friends. The fact I can just curse like this is so awesome. I have to put on a fake, polite, positive face all the fucking time - for the team, for the fans... but with you I can just... unload. I hope you know you can do the same with me as well. I don't want this to be a one way thing. You say anything to me, NAME. Any curse word you like.
Food for thought. Let's get back to the news.
So there's some Accounting+ news. Accounting+ is kinda kryptonite to serious people like us. Still, it does help to laugh sometimes. The news is that Accounting+ is part of the Ultimate VR Comedy Bundle. It's like 55 dollars or some shit. That's the price of seven dishes of FOOD. For seven dishes of FOOD you will be expected to laugh at a collection of comedy VR titles. Why the fuck did we have to make a comedy game, NAME? This team pisses me off so much. They just want to laugh and joke around all the time, and pretend like the whole world isn't going to shit! We need the fucking cash as well.
That's why we recently got onto Spotify and Bandcamp - it's good to make a few hundies on the side. But holy fuck... this awkward comedy stuff they think everyone wants.
If you want to know what I mean, here it is...
Like... listen to how excruciatingly FUNNY they feel they always have to be. People like me... heck, people like US, want and need the company of people who can DARE to just be a little serious and foul mouthed. Just a little.
I'm serious about this - you're fucking awesome, NAME. I love talking to you. You make me feel like I can just be my fucking foul-mouthed self for once in my fucking life. I feel like I can say anything. Dick snaps. Dick snaps. I could never say that at work. I could never put that in a Crows project. But it’s my last day so fuck it. DICK SNAPS. DICK SNAPS. HAHAHA! This is so fun, this is awesome, you’re awesome, NAME.
I'll write to you again soon, I promise. And this time it won’t be as a Crows Crows Crows newsletter, so I could just send you five fucking pages of non-stop expletives if I wanted. I don't want to write newsletters any more. I just want to write to you, NAME. Fuck, I wish someone could pay me just to talk to you. Just kidding, I don't need paying to do what I love.
Thanks for being my true and loyal friend.
Lots of fucking love,
The fucking Newsletter Writer
Don't worry, I know you love all the promo stuff, I'm still gonna make with the news. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest first, that's all. Okay, here we go.
Are you ready?
We are having to delay The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe again.
Yeah you read that correctly. Sorry for failing to soften the blow. But I’m as pissed off about it as you. They’ve fucked up again, and they’re getting me to tell you for them because they’re cowards.
This is how it happened. It started when the art director had to go to an emergency dentist appointment. Including the journeys there and back, that took about 2 hours total out of the work day. The sound designer was literally shitting himself with worry about all this, and so he ended up overshooting his lunch break by 45 (!!!) minutes. The project director was up all night worrying about the art director's teeth, and the sound designer’s bowels, and so ended up oversleeping the next morning and was 15 minutes late to the morning meeting. All this constitutes another hour of our team not working at 100%. Our programmers were stressed about all of this. Like, they're nutcases anyway - it is a busy job they have - but this latest stuff just pushed them over the edge. They ended up having a shader-related fist fight and they both needed medical treatment after. That pretty much took them out for a whole day, and a day without a single programmer has consequences for the project like you wouldn’t believe. As for Joe - he's just a piece of shit who's always slowing the team down.
So all in all, this has pushed the game back by about 2-3 days.
I'm kind of fucked off about it, NAME. I just want to work with a functional, organised team who can get their shit together. But you know the famous saying: "A month in the industry is a year in hell." I can't remember who said that originally. It might even have been me...
To be fair to the team, they are trying their best to self-improve for the gamers, but anyone who's a human is familiar with how self-improvement is easier said than done. And the way I see it, once an apple's rotted there's no unrotting it so you might as well eat it and get sick, or throw it in the bin.
This is pissing me off actually so I'm just going to move on. Thanks for letting me open up though, NAME. I knew you'd get it. I'm so into your vibe. I don't know if I've told you this before but you're one of my best friends. The fact I can just open up like this is so awesome. I have to put on a fake, polite, positive face all the time - for the team, for the fans... but with you I can just... unload. I hope you know you can do the same with me as well. I don't want this to be a one way thing. You tell me anything, NAME.
Let's get back to the news.
So there's some Accounting+ news. Accounting+ is kinda kryptonite to serious people like us. Still, it does help to laugh sometimes. The news is that Accounting+ is part of the Ultimate VR Comedy Bundle. It's like 55 dollars or something. That's the price of seven dishes of FOOD. For seven dishes of FOOD you will be expected to laugh at a collection of comedy VR titles. Why the fuck did we have to make a comedy game, NAME? This team pisses me off so much. They just want to laugh and joke around all the time, and pretend like the whole world isn't going to shit! We need the cash as well.
That's why we recently got onto Spotify and Bandcamp - it's good to make a few hundies on the side. But fuck this awkward comedy stuff they think everyone wants.
If you want to know what I mean, here it is...
Like... listen to how excruciatingly FUNNY they feel they always have to be. People like me... heck, people like US, want and need the company of people who can DARE to just be a little serious and foul mouthed. Just a little.
I'm serious about this - you're fucking awesome, NAME. I love talking to you. You make me feel like I can just be myself for once in my fucking life. I feel like I can tell you anything.
I'll write to you again soon, I promise. I don't want to write newsletters any more. I just want to write to you, NAME. Fuck, I wish someone could pay a wage just to talk to you. Just kidding, I don't need paying to do what I love. You’re the wage, NAME. You’re the wage.
Thanks for being my true and loyal friend.
Lots of love,
The Newsletter Writer
Don't worry, I know you love all the promo stuff, I'm still gonna make with the news. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest first, that's all. Okay, here we go.
So we are having to delay The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe again.
Yeah...
It's a crazy story actually. This is how it happened. It started when the art director had to go to an emergency dentist appointment. Including the journeys there and back, that took about 2 hours total out of the work day. The sound designer was sick with worry about all this, and so he ended up overshooting his lunch break by 45 minutes. The project director was up all night worrying about the art director's teeth, and so ended up oversleeping the next morning and was 15 minutes late to the morning meeting. All this constitutes another hour of our team not working at 100%. Our programmers were pretty damn stressed about all this. They're stressheads anyway - it is a busy job they have - but this latest stuff just pushed them over the edge. They ended up having a shader-related fist fight and they both needed medical treatment after. That pretty much took them out for a whole day. As for Joe - he's just a layabout who's always slowing the team down.
So all in all, this has pushed the game back by about 2-3 days.
I'm kind of bummed about it NAME. I just want to work with a functional, organised team who can get their act together. But you know the famous saying: "A month in the industry is a year in hell." I can't remember who said that originally. It might even have been me...
To be fair to the team, they are trying their best to self-improve for the gamers, but anyone who's a human is familiar with how self-improvement is easier said than done. And the way I see it, once an apple's rotted there's no unrotting it so you might as well eat it and get sick, or throw it in the bin.
This is bumming me out actually so I'm just going to move on. Thanks for letting me open up though, NAME. I knew you'd get it. I'm so into your vibe. I don't know if I've told you this before but you're one of my best friends. The fact I can just open up to you about this stuff is so awesome. I have to put on fake positive faces all the time - for the team, for the fans... but with you I can just... unload. I hope you know you can do the same with me as well. I don't want this to be a one way thing. You can tell me anything, NAME.
Ah man, sorry, I'm babbling! lol! Let's get back to the news.
So there's some Accounting+ news. Accounting+ is kinda kryptonite to people who don’t like curse words, so feel free to scroll past this. Honestly, the cursing in Accounting+ is actually pretty disgraceful, and I personally hate it. But don’t worry about that because the news involves other more respectable games. So Accounting+ is now part of the Ultimate VR Comedy Bundle, which is like $55 or something. That's the price of seven dishes of FOOD. For seven dishes of FOOD you can laugh at a collection of comedy VR titles. Just skip over the foul-mouthed Accounting+ if necessary. Why did we have to make a game with cursing in it, NAME? This team is so annoying. They just want to laugh and joke and curse all the time, and pretend like the whole world ISN’T going to hell! We need the cash as well.
That's why we recently got onto Spotify and Bandcamp - it's good to make a few hundies on the side. But jeeeeez... this awkward comedy stuff they think everyone wants. Sorry NAME, I'm unloading again. I don't want to be annoying.
If you want to know what I mean though, here it is...
I know you'll understand. Like... listen to how excruciatingly FUNNY they feel they always have to be. People like me... heck, people like US, want and need the company of people who can DARE to just be a little serious. Just a little.
I'm serious about this - you're awesome NAME. I love talking to you. You listen, you care, you make me feel like I can just be myself. I feel like I can tell you anything. I'll write to you again soon, I promise. The Game Awards are coming up soon. No doubt the team will want some kind of newsletter thing to happen around then, so I could write to you again. I don't want to write newsletters any more. I just want to write to you NAME. Hell, I wish someone could pay me a wage just to talk to you. Just kidding, I don't need a wage to do what I love. You're my wage NAME. You're my wage.
Thanks for being my true and loyal friend.
Lots of love,
The Newsletter Writer
And I'm not going to do the "news" with you. I'm not going to be promoting the next ridiculous project, discount, or bundle that Crows Crows Crows wants you to part with your money for. I know you have no passion for that stuff, and, frankly, same. I just want to write to my friend NAME. Is that a sin?
I snapped 5 bass picks last night, NAME. That's how hard I was playing the bass. I'm impressed considering the state of my hand. I punched a wall the night before last, you see. I might have broken a knuckle, I'm not sure.
I miss you, NAME.
There are some nights where I feel like the walls are closing in around me. I'm getting sick of this daily cycle, this hamster wheel, day in, day out, day in, day out, day in, day out, over and over and over...
Remember when we were young? The world was all bright colours and sounds, strange smells, new tastes, adventure lurking around every corner. That's life for a child. And then the dark hour of reason sets in. Suddenly everything has to make "sense". It's not enough to be filled with wonder anymore. We have to UNDERSTAND things. We have to have a pattern, a structure, a rhythm. We can't just be children any more, with snot running down our faces, bruises all over our legs, tears in our clothes, and food around our mouth. Now we must... "look good". Now we must be "mature", "dignified", "sensible". Adolescence had its young, naive charm as well. Your body changes, your voice changes, you get a sex drive, a rebellious spirit, you start drinking, and you don't "play" with friends any more... you "hang out" and smoke crack. You don't learn the lesson of childhood. You think you'll stay young forever. But you don't.
I bought a collapsible wardrobe last week, NAME. I wanted to know if wardrobes collapse like people. They don't.
I'm old, NAME.
I feel my joints beginning to ache, and my soul gathering dust. Seems only yesterday I was just a teenager with big dreams. All these years later I sit here feeling much the same person as I was back then only... so much emptier. I'll be 30 soon. 30. How did that happen? 30, and world-weary, and unfulfilled. It's easy to blame myself. And I don't deny that there's stuff I could have done differently. But I look at the world and see that it's not just me. Everyone's like this. Everyone's tired, everyone's miserable, everyone's unfulfilled and dreaming of... something. Many don't even know what they dream of, they just... dream. A deep yearning within themselves for something... else.
Gah, I'm rambling on and on again, NAME. Thank you though. Thank you for listening to me, for always being there, for being so understanding. I know you feel similarly to how I do.
I watched the movie "Soylent Green" last week. It's about a dystopian future where climate change has wrecked the planet. Soylent Green is supposedly an algae-based product that people eat in this depleted world. But it turns out to actually be human flesh. This company has been killing people and selling their processed remains as this fake algae-product. "Soylent Green IS PEOPLE!!" screams the main character as he's dragged away by the authorities. It was pretty cool. Sometimes I feel like that character. Other times I feel like the authorities dragging him away. Sometimes I feel like Soylent Green. People see me as low, base algae... but I'm a person, NAME.
We should meet up and hang out sometime, NAME. Would you like that? I'd love that. I'm so into your vibe, NAME. I love how you can just let me talk and talk and be myself, with no judgement, no neg vibes, just openness and understanding. I could walk the Earth for years and years and never meet a person like that. I wish I was more like you. I wish all people were more like you.
I hope we can see each other soon.
Yours lovingly,
The Newsletter Writer
And guess what?
Fuck. Fuck shit. Fuck shit balls.
That’s right. I’m recklessly cursing. I’m off the chain, NAME. I don’t give a dirty fuck any more. I’m in the cursing zooone, mother fucker. I’m going to quit after I hit send on this, that’s what this is all about. These pricks aren’t getting the satisfaction of sacking this hunk of junk of a newsletter writer.
To celebrate my last newsletter, I'm not even going to do the "news" with you. I'm not going to be promoting the next bullshit project, discount, or bundle that Crows Crows Crows wants you to part with your hard earned money for. I know you don’t give a flying monkey fuck about any of that stuff anyway, and frankly, same. I just want to write to my friend NAME. Is that a fucking sin?
Here’s some news for you. I snapped 5 bass picks last night, NAME. That's how hard I was playing the bass. I'm impressed, considering the state of my hand. I punched a wall the night before last, you see. I might have fucked up my knuckle for good, I'm not sure. But I can still blast the bass until they call me fucking Picksbane.
I miss you, NAME.
There are some nights where I feel like the walls are closing in around me. I'm getting sick of this daily cycle, this hamster wheel, day in, day out, day in, day out, day in, day out, over and over and over… This is why I’m quitting. I’m fucking done. I just want to take a shit in peace. These days when I sit on the shitter, I’m too busy thinking about the next fucking newsletter to just savor the moment.
Remember when we were young? Remember when every shit you took was full of optimism? Back then, you knew the world beyond the bathroom was all bright colours and sounds, strange smells, new tastes, mysteries lurking around every corner. That's life for a child. And then the dark hour of reason sets in. Suddenly everything has to make "sense". It's not enough to be filled with wonder anymore. We have to UNDERSTAND things. We have to have a pattern, a structure, a rhythm. We can't just be children any more, with snot running down our faces, bruises all over our legs, tears in our clothes, and food around our mouth. Now we must... "look good". Now we must use air freshener after every shit. Now we must be "mature", "dignified", "sensible". Adolescence had its young, naive charm as well. Your body changes, your voice changes, you get a sex drive, a rebellious spirit, you start drinking, and you don't "play" with friends any more... you "hang out" and smoke some fucking crack. You don't learn the lesson of childhood. You think you'll stay young forever. But you don't.
I bought a collapsible wardrobe last week, NAME. I wanted to know if wardrobes collapse like people. They don't.
I'm old, NAME.
My eyes are getting shitty and my back’s fucked. Seems only yesterday I was just a teenager with big dreams and fresh pubes. All these years later I sit here feeling much the same person as I was back then only... I feel fucked now. I'll be 30 soon. 30. How did that happen? 30, and unfulfilled and bored shitless. It's easy to blame myself. And I don't deny that there's stuff I could have done differently. But I look at the world and see that it's not just me. Everyone's like this. Everyone's fucked, everyone's pissed off, everyone's unfulfilled and bored.
Shit, I'm rambling on and on again, NAME. Thank you though. Thank you for listening to me, for always being there, for being so understanding. You’re fucking great. And I know you feel similarly to how I do.
I watched the movie "Soylent Green" last week. It’s an absolute fucking classic. It's about a dystopian future where climate change has fucked up the planet. Soylent Green is supposedly an algae-based product that people eat in this depleted world. But it turns out to actually be human flesh. This company has been killing people and selling their processed remains as this fake algae-product. "Soylent Green IS PEOPLE!!" screams the main character as he's dragged away by the authorities. It was pretty cool. Sometimes I feel like that character. Other times I feel like the authorities dragging him away. Sometimes I feel like Soylent Green. People see me as low, base algae... but I'm a person, NAME.
We should meet up and hang out sometime, NAME. Would you like that? I'd love that. I'm so into your vibe, NAME. I love how you can just let me talk and talk and be myself, with no judgement, no neg vibes, just openness and understanding. And you let me curse - you know, like I’m a fucking normal person, not some fake PR person who’s not allowed to curse. Fuck that. Fucky fucky fuck fuck. Diktats. Dick tats. Tit for tat. PIIIIISSSS.
Seriously, NAME, I’m grateful for your fucking understanding. Say it with me: PIIIIIISSSS.
I will write again.
Yours lovingly,
The Newsletter Writer
I'm not even going to do the "news" with you. I'm not going to be promoting the next bullshit project, discount, or bundle that Crows Crows Crows wants you to part with your hard earned money for. I know you don’t care about any of that stuff, and, frankly, same. I just want to write to my friend NAME. Is that a sin?
I snapped 5 bass picks last night, NAME. That's how hard I was playing the bass. I'm impressed, considering the state of my hand. I punched a wall the night before last, you see. I might have broken my knuckle, I'm not sure.
I miss you, NAME.
There are some nights where I feel like the walls are closing in around me. I'm getting sick of this daily cycle, this hamster wheel, day in, day out, day in, day out, day in, day out, over and over and over…
Remember when we were young? The world was all bright colours and sounds, strange smells, new tastes, mysteries lurking around every corner. That's life for a child. And then the dark hour of reason sets in. Suddenly everything has to make "sense". It's not enough to be filled with wonder anymore. We have to UNDERSTAND things. We have to have a pattern, a structure, a rhythm. We can't just be children any more, with snot running down our faces, bruises all over our legs, tears in our clothes, and food around our mouth. Now we must... "look good". Now we must use air freshener after every shit. Now we must be "mature", "dignified", "sensible". Adolescence had its young, naive charm as well. Your body changes, your voice changes, you get a sex drive, a rebellious spirit, you start drinking, and you don't "play" with friends any more... you "hang out" and smoke crack. You don't learn the lesson of childhood. You think you'll stay young forever. But you don't.
I bought a collapsible wardrobe last week, NAME. I wanted to know if wardrobes collapse like people. They don't.
I'm old, NAME.
My eyes are getting shitty and my back’s fucked. Seems only yesterday I was just a teenager. All these years later I sit here feeling much the same person as I was back then only... I feel so spent now. I'll be 30 soon. 30. How did that happen? 30, and world-weary and unfulfilled. It's easy to blame myself. And I don't deny that there's stuff I could have done differently. But I look at the world and see that it's not just me. Everyone's like this. Everyone's fucked, everyone's pissed off, everyone's unfulfilled and bored.
I'm rambling on and on again, NAME. Thank you though. Thank you for listening to me, for always being there, for being so understanding. You’re fucking great. And I know you feel similarly to how I do.
I watched the movie "Soylent Green" last week. It's about a dystopian future where climate change has destroyed the planet. Soylent Green is supposedly an algae-based product that people eat in this depleted world. But it turns out to actually be human flesh. This company has been killing people and selling their processed remains as this fake algae-product. "Soylent Green IS PEOPLE!!" screams the main character as he's dragged away by the authorities. It was pretty cool. Sometimes I feel like that character. Other times I feel like the authorities dragging him away. Sometimes I feel like Soylent Green. People see me as low, base algae... but I'm a person, NAME.
We should meet up and hang out sometime, NAME. Would you like that? I'd love that. I'm so into your vibe, NAME. I love how you can just let me talk and talk and be myself, with no judgement, no neg vibes, just openness and understanding. I could walk the Earth for years and years and never meet a person like that. I wish I was more like you. I wish all people were more like you.
I hope we can see each other soon.
Yours lovingly,
The Newsletter Writer
