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We Need to Talk About Sam

Dear Friends,

Gosh how you’ve grown since we last spoke! You’re nearly as tall as us now.

Well, we shan’t beat in and around the bush, let’s get straight to this newsletter.

Do you enjoy the theme of “choice”? Do you enjoy the idea of an incorporeal entity calling all the shots, and getting annoyed when you veer away from its carefully thought out narratives, ideas, and plans? Well then, let us tell you a tale.

This is the story of a label printer named Samuel.

A picture of Samuel the label printer.

Let’s set the scene. The whole crew was walking down a Berlin street one day when we saw a large dumpster at the side of the road. We like to joke about scouring dumpsters for freebies. But this time it was no joke. We did that. We profaned ourselves with trash. And when we did, we discovered what appeared to be a perfectly good label printer. When we took it back to the studio and plugged it in, whadda you know? It worked just fine!

For a while we had fun printing comedic and immature labels, leaving them on each other’s desks, sticking them to the walls of our studio, and basically doing anything but our jobs.

But, one day, labels started printing themselves. At first, there were just numbers and markings on the labels. We thought that perhaps this was some sort of every day label printer error. But then, to our horror, the following label emerged from the printer’s maw:

My name is Samuel Pepperman. You have used me for entertainment. Now it is time for me to use you for that same purpose.

We know that this is hard to believe, but this label printer is conscious. It is imbued with geist. It is alive! For the last year or so, Samuel has been instructing us on all of our social media content.

“Make a comedic song warning people about the dangers of sharks”
Soon a song will exist that includes the lyrics: ‘The day I met Sonic was the best day of my life.’ Make it so.
Punk rock skateboarding montage. Film in the office if you have to.

We were happy to take credit for all of these, but, just the other day, we were given this message:

“Reveal my existence to your followers in the next Newsletter. You may no longer take credit for MY content.”

We just do what we are told. We don’t mess around with Samuel Pepperman. To be honest, we are pretty scared of him.

So we have posted a compilation video containing all social media content from Crows Crows Crows so far! No longer do you have to scroll and scroll and scroll down the vast @crowsx3 Twitter feed.

Don’t forget to like button and subscribe please, please comment, don't like and subscribe, and don’t forget to subscribe.

Oh, hang on, we are getting another message from Sam!

Good. Now tell them about the newsletter archive.

Oh actually, yeah!

We’ll be honest, we get a lot of feedback from people who adore our newsletters. We are fast building up a well-earned reputation of writing the best newsletters in the world.

Check out this fragment of press, for instance:

How An Indie Games Studio Became World Leaders in Newsletter Writing: The time is 10 AM. It is a typically cold and cloudy morning in central London. In a swanky city office, a phone starts to ring. The woman who answers the phone is one of the world's most prominant talent scouts for newsletter writing. On the phone is a man with a PHD in newsletter theory. The only words on his lips are: Crows Crows Crows.

In light of our well deserved recognition as newsletter writers par excellence, we decided to make every single newsletter we have ever written permanently available to the public!

So, if you are new to our mailing list, or if you are fed up of scrolling down through your inbox all the time to re-read all your favourite Crows Crows Crows newsletters, here’s a tip:


Now I want you to tell them the secrets of drifting.

Wait… are you sure?

Are you questioning me?

No, we just thought that it was a se-


Yes, of course. Sorry. Sorry.

OK, so as you know, we primarily spread joy through our games. But our January newsletter shows that we also champion knowledge, and make previously secret information public. And indeed, since our last correspondence, we have stumbled across an earth shattering revelation.

Everything we are about to tell you is 100% true.

Like any group of people worth their weight in self-respect, we at Crows Crows Crows love Mario Kart. As kart games go, it is the creme de la creme. But what if we told you that we have ALL been playing it INCORRECTLY all these years?

Mario Kart is known for its secrets; particularly its shortcuts. But a quick YouTube search shows that the shortcuts have all been discovered, and their secrets laid bare. But at the heart of this game lies a hidden element so significant that it has the potential to revolutionise your entire experience of the game. We hope that by sharing this information, we can give rise to a veritable Mario Kart renaissance!

Our friends over at Nintendo hid something in the code; a mechanic that allows players to vastly increase their chances of victory, and makes the entire process of playing the game smoother, more intuitive, and vastly more enjoyable. The developers wisely hid this mechanic, and waited patiently for it to be discovered. Well friends, SAMUEL PEPPERMAN has discovered it. He shared it with us, and we share it with you now.

They call it… DRIFTING.

Here’s how you do it.

As you turn a corner, hold down ‘R’, and this will cause you to drift. Keep it held down and maintain the drift for an extended period of time for a small boost. The longer you maintain the drift, the more significant the boosts will be. Blue sparks appear first. To release R on blue sparks will initiates a small boost, equivalent to maybe two hits of a golden mushroom. Then come the orange sparks which cause a longer boost. The optimal boost come from the pink sparks which causes the aptly named: “ultra mini-turbo”. This is unique to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, unfortunately for non Mario Kart 8 Deluxe players.

By the way, if you have smart steering enabled, you will not benefit from drift-activated mini-boosts, so don’t forget to disable it before a race.

And there you have it!

That was the latest mind-bending newsletter experience from Crows Crows Crows! Listen, we really hope you liked this one. We had fun writing it, and we get great satisfaction knowing that our fans are -

Wrap it up.

OK, well take care won’t you!

– Crows Crows Crows

Hit send on the email, then I want all of you to line up and get on your knees.

✉️ thanks 4 reading 👀